It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be my last day working as the alumni assistant at my university. I have so many mixed emotions. Right now should be a really happy time, I'm going to be student teaching, finally getting my degree and graduating in May. I feel like I should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. Even though I couldn't do a cartwheel if my life depended on it but you get the idea.

I'm sad to be leaving a job that I have truly grown to love and co-workers who I really enjoy working with. I think this sadness is stopping me from being excited about the new journey I'm about to embark on. It is going to be a really exciting journey, it's everything I've ever wanted for a really long time.

But I just have this overwhelming sadness sitting on my chest like a huge elephant or another significantly large animal. It's just hanging out there without an invitation. This position was never supposed to be a long term thing. I knew that going into it..it was always just something temporary but somewhere along the way I fell in love with it and what I was doing. Teaching it's something I've always wanted. It's the career I've always dreamed of. It's everything I've ever dreamed of and what I've worked so hard for. So why is this so hard?

I know eventually the excitement I know I should feel for this new chapter in my life will hit me. I'll be ecstatic and doing the cartwheels that I thought I should be doing. Right now I just need to let go and welcome my new beginning.