From Relief to Overwhelmed

When I was diagnosed I gave myself a timeline of how long it should take me to be okay with having MS. I would say in a year from now everything will be fine and back to normal. I learned, although not fast enough, that somethings in life just can't be mapped out. I had to give myself all the time I needed and not rush myself through all the things I was feeling.

I realized the other day that I've gone back to setting timelines for certain aspects of my life, one in particular being my health. I have visits with my neurologist and my MS specialist every 4-6 months. When I saw the MS Specialist this past June, he referred me to a neuro-ophthalmologist. I had thought he had said if the neuro-ophthalmologist found anything that we would start looking at treatments. But after my most recent appointment with him last week that doesn't seem to be the case because although things were found he isn't ready to commit to the diagnosis of MS or put me on treatment. He wants to repeat the MRI in 6 months and then go from there. 

I've been using these 6 month periods as timelines thinking okay so after these 6 months we will look at medications. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what I was doing that I'm able to stop myself. I'm learning to throw these timelines out the window because ultimately I have very little say in what happens 6 months from now as far as starting treatment is concerned. I think throwing away these timelines is going to be the only way to protect myself emotionally and ultimately protect my sanity. I think it might be the only way I'll be able to come out of my next 6 month appointment and be okay with not starting treatment should that be my doctors decision. 

At the end of my appointment last week I was so ready to throw in the towel and give up. I went in the span of a month from feeling an immense sense of relief to a place with an intense overwhelming confusion and fear. Instead of just throwing the towel, I paused. I went back and reread a post I wrote last month. Last month I wrote about the relief I felt and how glad I was that I didn't give up and that I fought for answers. Even though the overwhelming-ness is back, I'm looking forward to feeling that relief I felt last month once again. I'm not setting time limits, I'm hanging on and looking to God.

I'm learning I have no control over this situation it's within my doctor's hands and God's will for me. Here's to trying to give this situation over to God and not trying to take in back into my control. I'm so thankful for the support system that I do have helping me to get through this very tough situation.

Praying for MS

Last week I had the "big three" done, at least that's what the women at my doctors office call them. For those of you who have never heard of the "big three", it's mris of the brain, c spine and t spine.

Yesterday I picked up the reports from my "big three". I read them which is something I do all the time but really shouldn't. The report read "Incidentally noted low-lying cerebellar tonsils 5mm below the foramen magnum equivocal for Chiari I Malformation."

I've been the BIGGEST mess since reading that. Thankfully I met up with a friend last night who got me laughing and distracted me. But last night I went to bed praying that somehow the report is wrong and my brain isn't growing down in a place it shouldn't be. Praying that this illness I have is just MS because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it being something else. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm a fighter. That I'm the strongest person they know that I've been through so much and made it through all of that.

I guess parts of that is true but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to have to be strong. I'm tired of going through all this. I'm tired of fighting for my life. But I also know I have to be positive and there's a reason God chose to give me all this.

I've always felt that he was punishing me and I couldn't understand why. At 24 (almost 25 - next week) I'm still a virgin, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. But maybe this is all apart of God's plan, this is his will for me.

I don't know anything for sure but I have my appointment today with the MS specialist. But if it is Chiari, I'm going to do my best to stay positive, to smile and get through this. I thank God for my friends, the ones I can cry with and the ones who can make me laugh my butt off even when I want to cry my eyes out.