It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

I'm not sure if it was because I was numb (emotional) before, just not feeling anything, or if it was because I had myself surrounded by a fortress of thick brick walls. Whatever the case may be I want to go back to that, to not feeling or whatever protection I had built up around me.

Growing up in the alcoholic family that I did, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my feelings inside. I learned that sharing those feelings or asking for something I needed emotionally, would only result in getting yelled at. I learned to stuff my feelings inside, hide the hurt and pain and act like everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay but I was dealing. I wasn't feeling but that was okay because I wasn't feeling the hurt.

Maybe it was the counseling and working through my diagnosis that broke down my walls. In order to work through my diagnosis I had to be able to feel my emotions. I had to be able to let myself get upset, cry, be angry, and the thousand other feelings I had as a result of my diagnosis.

Opening myself up to deal with the diagnosis, I think really meant opening up entirely. Not exactly something I realized at the time but I'm realizing that now. The memories, the feelings, and everything I needed that I had stuffed down deep inside was and is now free to come out. And boy did it come out or at least up. Everything I had stuff down, tried to forget and hidden is coming out. I'm feeling it all now. Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all, it feels horrible. I want it all to go away, stuff it back down inside. Maybe I'm not as ready to deal with all of this as I thought I was.

Scattered Pieces

I feel so all over the place, my thoughts are spread out all over the place and can't keep them straight. It's almost as if a tornado has ripped through my life, picking up my thoughts and sprinkling them everywhere leaving a trail of destruction and confusion.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or love me. I never felt the love I needed from you.

I never did get what I needed from you and I've spent so much time blaming you for that, at least I think. I'm learning that it wasn't something you could give me but that's still hard to grasp. Mostly because I've watched you give my brother what you couldn't give me. How could you give to him and not to me? And now you are dangling wanting to be there in front of my face only to keep ripping it away. I'm not sure why I keep falling for this.

To make up for not having you, I got attached to other people in my life...trying to fill this void I have. And while yes it has helped a bit, it still hurts like hell that my own mother can't be there for me. Even more so it hurts because I don't want you there anymore. I'm done letting myself be hurt by you. I've been hurt enough, I have a lifetime of hurt and pain. I've been broken and feel broken in so many ways. I have all of these feelings yet I feel so extremely empty. Wishing I could hit the rewind button and step out of the tornado's path.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well. 

The Decision Is Yours

You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.

Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.

I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.

I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.

By Choice, Not Blood

I'm not going to lie when I found out that my best friend would be moving 25 hours and thousands of miles away, I was scared. Not only that she'd be so far but I was scared that our friendship would change. I was worried that we wouldn't be as close as we were at the point. That the distance would somehow change all of that. It was hard saying "see you later" to her but the next day I realized nothing was going to change.

I kept thinking I don't know what I'm going to do without her but I'm not losing her. Maybe a little bit in distance but that's about it. She's still her and I'm still me. She's only a phone call or a short plane ride away. I'm realizing if anything this distance will bring us closer together. Although we might not see each other like we used to, that hasn't changed our friendship. We still text all the time, have our random phone calls and Skype sessions. Nothing will change the fact that we are best friends, sisters and family. We may not be sisters or family by blood, but we are sisters and family by choice. I think that's the best kind of family there is.

One of the many pictures we took before she left.

I love my best friend and sister.

"A strong friendship doesn’t need daily conversation..

Doesn’t always need togetherness...

As long as the…

Relationship lives in the heart

True friends will never be apart."

Advice from Someone Who Knows

A while back, I had the pleasure of catching up with a teacher I had in high school. We spoke about the usual things, how we both were, how school was going, etc. I asked how her children were, she told me that her youngest had been diagnosed with Celiac disease. We talked about that for a while and how hard it has been on her daughter.  

I've been thinking a lot since then and this is my advice to parents of a child with an illness.As a child who dealt with being sick a lot when she was younger, going through tests, doctors and the process of diagnosis, I feel as though I have a lot perspective on this.

First and foremost, listen to your child. Let them talk to you about what is going on, let them tell you their opinion about the situation and how they are feeling before you put in your own opinions, (depending on the age of your child--ultimately you'll know what age is right). It's important to children that they know you are actually listening to them; I think letting them express their opinions and feelings first shows that you are listening. My point is you will never really know how your child feels about a situation and how it bothers them if you push your opinions and feelings on them first before they can express their own.

Next, I would say try to keep their life as "normal" as possible. For one, being a child with an illness they already feel different than everyone else, the normal they always pictured has changed. Which is something that they may or may not be able to handle. Make sure they don't spend all their time between simply school, the doctors, and home; leave time for them to be with friends, after school events and such. Encourage them to participate in activities at school whether it's a sport or a club. Being involved in something they enjoy with their friends can make a world of a difference, they might not realize then but it does. If possible try not to schedule doctor's appointments and tests, the day of or after an big event for them. No one wants to spend the day after a big school event like a school dance, prom or such having tests done.

Make sure to keep them in the loop. They are just as scared and worried with what is going on if not more. You might think it makes it worse but it does help them knowing what is going on and knowing what they may be facing. Especially when it comes to the tests they have to have and such. 

Lastly, make sure you give them lots of hugs and tell them you love them. There is nothing worse than feeling as if you are going through something as scary as a diagnosis alone, which can be extremely hard on a child. Hold their hand and comfort them when they need it but at the same time don't suffocate them.

No Regrets

Deep down I've always dreamed of having that best friend, amazing mother and daughter relationship. You know that relationship where you can be open and honest, tell each other everything. But I don't have that with her and I say her because I don't think of her as a mother. I mean don't get me wrong for all intents and purposes she is a mother but she isn't a mom, at least not to me. That has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have the relationship that I wanted to have with her but everything to do with she wasn't a mom.

I've seen a lot of quotes along the lines of "You made me who I am today. And since there will never be words powerful enough to express my gratitude. I just thought I'd say thank you."  And tears spring to my eyes when I read quotes and sayings like that. We don't have that relationship. Our relationship is minimal. I am who I am because of me and the positive role models I've had in my life, not her. I wish I could say I want to be like her when I grow up but that's a lie. I hold my breath when someone says you are just like your mom because I've worked for what seems like my whole life to not be like her.

In my eyes she ultimately had the choice to have a relationship with me but that includes everything the good and the bad. She chose nothing. That hurts but I know it's not my fault because I've tried the best I could. I gave it all I had but I'm done trying.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations because ultimately they are hurting me more than anything else. It's just hard to let go of something you wanted but there's not realize to dwell on something that will never be. Here's to moving on and trying to live with no regrets.

Family Hiatus

I need one of those. I'm 23 and one of the most mature and responsible people you could meet. Although my family never seems to see that. To my family I'm immature and irresponsible. I'm so sick of being questioned about every decision and choice I make. I'm sick of being questioned about my ability to do things like taking care of my dad. Everyone acts as if I'm incapable, an idiot or something along those lines. I'm not an idiot and I am very capable. And I feel as though I can't talk freely about any of it because they say I complain or I'm making up excuses. I'm tired of dealing with it. They are going to lose me one day, I can only hope that losing me will open their eyes and wake them up. I can hope but somehow I don't think it will. I am so grateful for the friends I have that have become like family to me, their support means the world to me. It's a shame that my biological family isn't the same way.

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what. 

-Anonymous

All or Nothing

I've never had a good relationship with my mom, well at least as far back as I can remember. And I can really only remember my time with her starting when I was in 5th grade. 5th grade happened to coincidentally coincide with the first time I realized my mom was an alcoholic. I never really felt like she was there for me.

Even now, it's like she only wants to be around for the happy stuff and when things get rough she can't be bothered. She shouldn't get the option to be around for just the good but for some reason she seems to. That's not fair to me, I don't get the choice to poof myself away when things get bad and simply enjoy the good. She has to be there to support me for the good and the bad. She has to be there for it all. But I don't think she can which doesn't seem to bother because she doesn't really support at all. So when it comes down to all or nothing. I think she already made her decision, as hard as a realization it is for me. I'm letting go of the fantasy of her being a real mom. Because she clearly chose nothing.

Just Wishing

Sometimes I wish I was that girl you seem to see so clearly. The horrible, disrespectful, disobedient, and ungrateful person that you see me as. Sometimes I wish so badly that I could just go out, drink a ton of tequila, and get wasted. But once again that voice in my head stops me because I promised myself I wouldn't turn into you. Although I don't think your poison of choice was tequila. So I wouldn't be exactly like you. But you did like to turn to the bottle when things got rough.

I wish what you said didn't matter so much to me, I really do. I wish I knew how to turn it off. But I can't or at least don't know how. You say the stupidest stuff and have a way of throwing things back in my face that makes me not want to talk to you more. You're a bitch. Plain and simple. You just make me so mad. You think you have the right to criticize me, guess again you don't! Don't talk about my body and how I eat because you don't know. You're never around so how could you. You judge my every move and you wonder why I don't like being home.

I'm looking for a loop hole, wishing for a loop hole, or anything really for that matter. Anything that will get me out of here. I'll take anything at this point it really doesn't matter to me anymore. That's also because of you and probably because of me too. I've let you break me down to nothing. I've let you take my spirit and break it. I looking for something stupid, something for me to grab onto for control. Trying to find anything really, a way out, something for me to control. I just need something to get me through, wishing for a way to get through this.