The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

I put living my life on hold for so many years, for so many reasons and at times I didn't even realize I was doing so.

When I was younger I lived my life to try to please my parents, to try to earn their love. I did the things they wanted me to do. I thought some how that this would finally make them happy and then they'd love me.

When I got sick at 16 I put my life on hold again. I didn't go to parties, go out with friends much or date. I pushed guys away because I didn't think a guy could love a girl like me.

One of my biggest fears in dating has been that the guy I end up ultimately falling for won't be able to handle all my baggage. In talking with my therapist about dating and when to tell someone you're seeing that you're sick she brought up such a good point. I'm seeing things in a slightly different, clearer and better perspective.

I have this emotional tie to my baggage (which consists mostly of my health issues in relation to my fear of dating) but it's my emotional tie. I have this movie reel playing in my head everytime I think about having to tell a guy about my health. But the guy that I eventually end up trusting enough to let in won't see the movie reel, he won't feel the emotions I feel as I watch every scene. He won't feel the pain, he only knows what I tell him.

I've always thought my health issues would be enough to make a guy run away. got Only they won't, they are only making me want to run away.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.

Eyes Wide Open

A couple weeks ago, I saw yet another specialist. That specialist confirmed once and for all that I have MS. Since then I've had this decision looming over my head. Did I want to go on an oral medication that has side effects that could possibly effect my stomach or an inject-able medication that someone told me had left dents in her legs? I've been going back and forth in my mind between the two medications.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stomach issues that I could possibly have from the oral medication because I already have enough stomach problems. Therefore, I had been leaning towards the inject-able medication, the side effects didn't seem awful..they actually seemed manageable. That was until my friend had told and showed me the dents that were left in her legs after the injections.

That little bit of information had me second guessing wanting to go on this medication. I couldn't help but think I don't want dents in my legs, no guy is ever going to want me with those dents, and the various other thoughts that filled my mind. The thoughts were so superficial, I was so worried about my appearance that I had forgotten about all the other parts of myself.

Today, my eyes were opened. I was shopping at Kohl's and there was this little girl sitting in cart, she couldn't of been more than four years old. She seemed like she was having a really good time with her mom. I looked up from the clothes rack and the little girl looked at me and said "You're gorgeous". Those two words coming out of the mouth of this little girl blew me away. A few minutes later, she looked at me again and said "I love your hair".

It might sound silly to you but to me it felt like God was speaking through this little girl. I'd been struggling with the decision to go on a medication that could alter my appearance in some way. But that little girl opened my eyes today, her words brought me to the realization that appearance really doesn't matter. Yes, it felt good to hear her say that "I'm gorgeous" but I feel like she saw more than just my outer ward appearance...I feel like she saw my soul.

I never talk about myself like this because I really don't have a ton of self confidence but she gave me confidence. She made me see myself in another light. It was a truly beautiful and eye opening experience for me. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason that we were both in that store, in the same department at the same time.

I'm seeing myself just a little through her eyes, trying to see what it is that she saw that God so desperately wanted me to see. She may never realize the impact she had on me but she made such a difference in my life today. My wish for that little girl is that she will grow up to see herself through the same set of eyes that she saw me in. I feel truly blessed that God chose that moment to show me not only the way but a little bit of myself through this beautiful, innocent little girl.

New Normals

I'm so used to dealing with changes in my body. I accepted the fact that I won't know what's going to happen with my body because of the MS. I got used to the fact that I would have new normals like numb body parts and intolerance to heat. The list goes on but I think you get the point.

I've recently reached a new rough patch in the road and I've been really upset about it. I think it's time for me to just throw a smile on my face and pretend like I'm happy. But the truth is that's so much harder than it sounds.

The truth is I miss my best friend like hell. I've been through some pretty rough patches the last few months. From starting al-anon when I had reached my breaking point and several more times since then to losing my vision for length of several hours. Through all that I really just needed my best friend...I really just needed to call her up and talk. But I haven't been able to and that's hard. It's hard not to be able to turn to the one person that's always been there for you no matter what happened.

I feel silly for being upset but the hurt is real. My walls are going up to protect myself, I hate that this is the way it has to be right now.

Where are you?

It's been a while since I've blogged last and I miss it. The lack of blogging isn't because I have nothing to say, perhaps it's because I have too much to say. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind and I'm finding it hard to set them straight. Everything is mixed and jumbled, I want so bad to blog about a particular issue going on in my life at the current moment. But I just can't seem to get the words to move in the way I need them to, down to my fingers to type words onto the page. I'm hoping that the clear words will come soon and that I'll be able to blog once again.

Are You Happy?

Today was one of those days, you know what I'm talking about. First of all, I wasn't supposed to work but I offered to go in and work part of the day. It was one of those days where you are going non stop all day long. You would think the first and main thought in my mind would have been I can't wait to leave work. It wasn't.

Yes today was crazy busy, but it was fun. I love my job, the environment, and the individuals I work with. It was busy and hectic but oh so productive. I love the feeling of accomplishment and knowing that I'm doing a good job. I love feeling like I'm adding and contributing to something that is bigger than myself. I think that's why I decided to go into the field of Education. Although my current position isn't a teaching, I don't think I could have found a better job as a stepping stone. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I was given with this position. I've grown and learned so much from this opportunity. I'm continuing to grow and learn each day.

 

It's going to be hard and sad to leave at the end of December but I'm enjoying the time I have left there. I love my life and I'm making the most out of all the opportunities that I have been given. 

There's no reason that you shouldn't love your life. There's no reason you shouldn't be happy at your job. I hope you love your job and it makes you smile, as much as mine does. If not, maybe you should look for one that makes you smile. One that you look forward to going to each day. One that you'd be sad to leave. 

Feelin' Crafty!

We all know how much I like to get my hands dirty, whether figuratively or literally. I took on the project of redoing my bedroom earlier in September, I wanted my room to have a more calming feel. I've been taking on various craft projects since then. I have to say one of my ultimate favorites is the floor poof, as they are called. Odd name if you ask me but it's comfortable, so I really don't care what it is called.

I spent only an hour and a half trying to pick out the perfect fabric. ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF?? Crazy, right? I thought so. I fell in love with this one shade of grey but they didn't have enough of the amount of it that I needed, so back to the shelves I went! Then I found this awesome leaf patterned fabric and another grey that matched it.

 

So with my fabric picked out and cut, I grabbed some needles, found thread to match, a zipper and two bags of plush filling; I was ready to check out.

I got home and although I had many other more important tasks to tackle I couldn't help but start to sew. Off I went, many hours(probably 3- the first day) and two days later I had a completed project. I'm so happy with the turn out. It's perfect, just what I was picturing, and it's just want I needed to just sit in my room to read or currently studying for the praxis!

Final Product

So happy with the final results!  So thankful for the crafty and creative side that I was given!

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

Stepping Stone

Slowly but surely I'm learning. It might only be a day or two at a time but that's better than nothing right? I think so.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the mall to get some clothes for work I probably spent a good hour in Express trying on clothes. But I was happy and I found pants that fit me. I did a bit more shopping, after being at the mall for 2 hours and walking practically the whole mall I called it quits.

After I do something I'm always saying how extremely tired I am and that I overdid it. So I made the decision to leave the mall while I was still feeling good, win for me! I made a stop on the way home and whether or not that contributed to the way I feel now I don't know. 

I'm tired but not severely tired to the point where I need a nap. Yes I did rest when I got home and that's helping.

I'm learning to take a step back and evaluate the situations I'm in. Did I feel fine after 2 hours of shopping? Yes. But I was walking around and carrying bags or 2 HOURS, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. That's a big step for me. I wanted to keep shopping but I knew had I to stop. Here's to listening to myself and my body.

Hard Questions & Even Tougher Answers

I decided that I wanted to go off the SSRI or anti-depressant that I'm currently on. I have no reason really besides that I feel like I don't need it anymore and I had to contact my counselor and psychiatrist  to see if I could stop/go off of the medication. Of course questions had to be asked like how I'm feeling and why I want to go off the medication.

The only answer I could give is that I just feel like I don't need it anymore. It's not that I don't have other answers because I think I do. I just I don't want to have to find another counselor and psychiatrist to go to. I'm not ready to open my life up to someone else. But then maybe that's not true maybe I've just accepted the past and I'm ready to move on.

What I do know now is that I'm anxious as anything about the situation. I'm not sure I'm ready to answer the questions to come.

"Jess, do you have a boyfriend?" That's a question I get a lot. I do mean A LOT. My answer is no, I don't have a boyfriend. Maybe I'm picky or have too high of standards. At least that's what I started to think, that was until this weekend.

Who cares if I'm picky or have standards, I'll date someone when I meet someone worth dating. I'm not some piece of meat I'm a person. A guy made me really realize that this weekend when he whistled at me and said hellloooooo. Excuse me...really? Don't whistle at me, I don't care what's going through your mind about me. Don't whistle at me or any other inappropriate gesture. It's rude and I deserve so much better than that.

So no I don't have a boyfriend. I have yet to meet someone who treats me right. When I do meet that person, then maybe I'll be able to say yes, I do have a boyfriend his name is xxxx. Until then I'm going to enjoy being single and continue loving who I am.

"Being single only means that you are patient enough to wait for someone you deserve and who really deserves you."

Quote to Live By...

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, & to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

I found this quote and I just really like it. It's starting to sink in that its okay to live for myself and to do things that are just for me. I have to in order to make myself happy and keep myself well. It's not just me though, you owe it to yourself to do the same.