I'm not sure if it was because I was numb (emotional) before, just not feeling anything, or if it was because I had myself surrounded by a fortress of thick brick walls. Whatever the case may be I want to go back to that, to not feeling or whatever protection I had built up around me.

Growing up in the alcoholic family that I did, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my feelings inside. I learned that sharing those feelings or asking for something I needed emotionally, would only result in getting yelled at. I learned to stuff my feelings inside, hide the hurt and pain and act like everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay but I was dealing. I wasn't feeling but that was okay because I wasn't feeling the hurt.

Maybe it was the counseling and working through my diagnosis that broke down my walls. In order to work through my diagnosis I had to be able to feel my emotions. I had to be able to let myself get upset, cry, be angry, and the thousand other feelings I had as a result of my diagnosis.

Opening myself up to deal with the diagnosis, I think really meant opening up entirely. Not exactly something I realized at the time but I'm realizing that now. The memories, the feelings, and everything I needed that I had stuffed down deep inside was and is now free to come out. And boy did it come out or at least up. Everything I had stuff down, tried to forget and hidden is coming out. I'm feeling it all now. Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all, it feels horrible. I want it all to go away, stuff it back down inside. Maybe I'm not as ready to deal with all of this as I thought I was.

I'm overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I'm not even sure I want to go but I feel like I have to. I feel like I owe this to myself. I feel like I owe it to myself not to give up.

But in doing that I think I'm hurting myself. Going through this is killing me. I have so many thoughts running through my head I can't sort them out. I'm upset and making absolutely no sense.

What do you do when what you feel you need to do, is ultimately the thing that has the most power to destroy you? But at the same time how do you not go through with this? How do you stop fighting for answers that will help you health-wise?