The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

She didn't have to be

I had a great time this past Sunday, it's been a while since I've been able to say that. I dreaded going to look for a graduation dress. I mean yeah I was looking forward to it...I really couldn't wait to find a dress. What I could wait for was the dreaded feeling of having to go through another important step of my life alone. Okay so maybe you are thinking it's just a graduation dress but it's something that means a lot to me. I felt like I deserved a good experience and I was so sad that I was going to go through this experience alone.

Last Friday night I was at an al-anon meeting and our topic was "self pity". I spoke of how I do self pity really well and how earlier that day I was going through the why me's but that I was just going to keep working the program and let it work me. Well one of the women and I were talking after the meeting and she asked me why I was doing the why me's earlier that day. I told her, I'm graduating from college in May and that this time should be a happy time in my life but I'm going through all of these experiences alone. I explained how I just got my shoes for graduation and now I have to get my dress but I have to go through that all alone. What she said next totally caught me by surprise, she offered to go with me. I surprised myself and took her up on her offer.

On Sunday, I found myself at Kohl's shopping with my new friend. It was an amazing experience, we surprisingly had similar tastes and it was just so much fun. We'd pull a dress off the rack, we wouldn't be too sure about it but we'd pull it anyway for me to try. I did a "fashion show" of dresses as my friend said. I laughed, like really laughed and had fun. There was no stress, just fun, laughter and I just really enjoyed myself. I'm so thankful for the wonderful memory of that day and so grateful to the woman who joined me. She didn't have to go with me, she didn't have to offer but she chose to. That offer meant and means so much to me. I did find my dress and I spent the rest of my day smiling because I truly enjoyed myself. Thank you to the woman who was there when she didn't have to be.

Then I was at a meeting tonight and she was there as well she said something else that surprised me. The day before she asked me about how my doctor's appointment had gone, well let's put it this way it hadn't gone well. In our conversation the day before she asked if someone had gone to my eye doctor appointment with me. I said no, that I normally go to doctor's appointments on my own, that's just how it goes. Anyway, I was talking with her and another woman after the meeting and she turned to me and said "I just wanted to you know you can call me when you have a doctor's appointment. Just let me know the day/time/place and I'll go with you if I can." The other woman jumped in too, "Jess, you can call either of us just let us know when and where, we'll be there if we can." Tears filled my eyes. Neither of them have to be there for me and it means so much to me that they want to be there.

Finding Inner Peace

I always used to say I just want to be happy. I must have said that to my counselor a hundred times, "I just want to be happy". Back then I thought the key to my happiness was to finally have a diagnosis so I could move on. (This was after I had been undiagnosed with MS.) I was so sure once I was diagnosed things would be fine then I'd be happy and life would be perfect. But boy was I wrong.

Since then I've learned that a diagnosis can't make me happy, neither will a relationship with a guy. I needed to make myself happy, to be happy with who I am. I needed to live for myself. I'm sharing this with you because you need to depend on yourself to make yourself truly happy. You need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by someone else.

Take sometime to do things for yourself, do something to make yourself happy. Be kind to yourself. It's better to be truly happy with  your "single" self than yourself while you are in a relationship. Don't use a relationship as a buffer to your happiness. Yes you deserve more than anything in the world to be happy, I'm not saying you don't but sometimes a relationship isn't the answer. You can't use a relationship/diagnosis or whatever it may be to make you happy. You can't go "searching" for happiness, because happiness isn't a material possession, it's not something you can own or hold or visually "see". It's more of a mental state, happiness lies within you.

Bedroom Re-do

This past August I decided that I wanted to turn my bedroom into a calming relaxing space for myself. My room at the time was a tropical blue and while blue is one of my favorite colors this particular blue didn't scream relaxing. Yes it was pretty but it was more bright and in your face. Over the last year or two I fell in love with different shades of grey. Therefore, I decided why not go with grey. It's subtle and calming, at least that's how I feel when I see the color.

I chose a darker grey as the color for an accent wall and went with a lighter grey for the rest of the walls. I really love cherry blossoms and thought what fun it would be to stencil. I found the perfect shades of grey and cherry blossom stencil, so off I went to begin my new project!

For me there is just something so relaxing about painting or any kind of hands on craft project.

Check out the before and after pictures!

 I took down the frame, cork-board and shelf. I replaced it with a decorative accent wall. The branches are the color grey of the lighter walls and the flowers are a crisp white. To draw in accents, I painted mason jars the color of the lighter walls, added some burlap and vintage cherry blossoms to tie in the stencil.

 I cleaned up this wall by removing the shelves and the hairband storage thing (I really have no idea what to call it).

I moved the bookcase from this wall to the accent wall and the jewelry armoire moved the wall I showed previously. This really gives my room a more open feel and now I have a great open space to do yoga or sit and read.

I LOVE mason jars. I used them through out the room as accents. Some I painted the lighter grey I used on the walls and used them as vases. Others I decorated with glitter and used as a candle. At first I used tea lights but they were too hard to light so I found the fake candles and you cant tell the difference. Plus the jars don't get hot that way.


I'm loving my new calming and relaxing space!

Are You Happy?

Today was one of those days, you know what I'm talking about. First of all, I wasn't supposed to work but I offered to go in and work part of the day. It was one of those days where you are going non stop all day long. You would think the first and main thought in my mind would have been I can't wait to leave work. It wasn't.

Yes today was crazy busy, but it was fun. I love my job, the environment, and the individuals I work with. It was busy and hectic but oh so productive. I love the feeling of accomplishment and knowing that I'm doing a good job. I love feeling like I'm adding and contributing to something that is bigger than myself. I think that's why I decided to go into the field of Education. Although my current position isn't a teaching, I don't think I could have found a better job as a stepping stone. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I was given with this position. I've grown and learned so much from this opportunity. I'm continuing to grow and learn each day.

 

It's going to be hard and sad to leave at the end of December but I'm enjoying the time I have left there. I love my life and I'm making the most out of all the opportunities that I have been given. 

There's no reason that you shouldn't love your life. There's no reason you shouldn't be happy at your job. I hope you love your job and it makes you smile, as much as mine does. If not, maybe you should look for one that makes you smile. One that you look forward to going to each day. One that you'd be sad to leave. 

I ♥ Fall

It's not the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes and other pumpkin flavored items that make me love the fall so much. It's breaking out the unbelievably comfy clothes; the leggings, over-sized sweaters and shirts, scarves and boots. It's the chill feeling in the cool crisp air. The smell of the air, its different than any other time of the year. Although I love all those things, they aren't the best part.

What I love about the fall more than anything else is the fading green color of the leaves mixed with the vibrant yellows, oranges and reds. I love driving down a road that is full of trees on each side, seeing the mix of all the different colors. The leaves falling from the trees cascading down in this playful way. The way they flutter across the windshield as you drive, it's absolutely beautiful. I drove to and from Atlantic City on Thursday and Friday. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking, I wish I could have taken pictures of the view.

For me, fall is the most magical, gorgeous time of the year. 

 

I’m embracing the things I love.

 Now it’s your turn.

 

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well. 

Taking Back My Life

Last summer I made the decision to make the summer all about me and what I needed.  I found myself again, I discovered who I was and who I wanted to be. I grab the reins of my life and took back control. I stopped worrying about what everyone expected from me and wanted me to do. I starting doing what I wanted aside from all the doctors appointments and such.

This summer I've decided to enjoy my life, to have fun and not worry so much about doctor's appointments. I've decided to stop worrying over being sick and just live my life because I might not never get any worse. So I decided to become a true redhead!

 

(Left picture is before..Right picture is after.)

Okay so it might not be the best picture ever but you can tell that I'm a redhead and I'm loving it!

Here's to living my life for ME!