Thank you

As I reflected on my life and what I didn't have, I realized how truly grateful I am for what I do have and the people in my life who do care.

Thank you to the woman who lets me talk to her about my bad interviews and awkward dates. Who lets me share my fears and tells me when I really have nothing to worry about but listens to my worries anyway. The woman who tries anything to distract me when I come to her scared about something.

The one who I can text when I'm upset, who will let me come over if she's home and will give me the biggest squeeze me to death hugs. The one who has been laughing with me lately. The one I can just be silly with. The one who will just sit with me even if I'm not saying much of anything (which is totally the case sometimes).

For teaching me how to curl my hair. For taking the time to teach me stuff in general no matter what it may be. For introducing me to new experiences. For reassuring me that it's okay to cry and to feel my feelings. For believing in me and teaching me to believe and have confidence in myself. For being proud of me and telling me so.

For showing me that I am capable of doing more than I think I am. For comforting me when I go to her upset and celebrating with me when I go to her with good news. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust and showing me that it is possibly to trust. Thank you for being always being a role model, giving me someone to look up to as an example of what I wanted to be like. Thank you for being a friend. I know you're not my mom but thank you for being a mom like figure in my life for doing things a mom may do. Most of all thank you for just being there.

New Normals

I'm so used to dealing with changes in my body. I accepted the fact that I won't know what's going to happen with my body because of the MS. I got used to the fact that I would have new normals like numb body parts and intolerance to heat. The list goes on but I think you get the point.

I've recently reached a new rough patch in the road and I've been really upset about it. I think it's time for me to just throw a smile on my face and pretend like I'm happy. But the truth is that's so much harder than it sounds.

The truth is I miss my best friend like hell. I've been through some pretty rough patches the last few months. From starting al-anon when I had reached my breaking point and several more times since then to losing my vision for length of several hours. Through all that I really just needed my best friend...I really just needed to call her up and talk. But I haven't been able to and that's hard. It's hard not to be able to turn to the one person that's always been there for you no matter what happened.

I feel silly for being upset but the hurt is real. My walls are going up to protect myself, I hate that this is the way it has to be right now.

Truth is...

I struggle with relationships...all relationships. I mean not so much friendships, there's some problems there I guess but mainly romantic relationships. I guess that's what I can call them.

I'm afraid of getting attached, so I pull away. I've been hurt more times than I can count or for that matter even really remember. I've been hurt by guys but also by the people in my life that I thought were never supposed to hurt me. I'm so far from perfect. I don't want to make the same mistakes and hurt someone like I've been hurt. But there's so much in me that is telling me to run the other way. Telling me to get out before you get hurt. Telling me that I'm not ready...I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

It's hard to want something you know you aren't ready for.

She didn't have to be

I had a great time this past Sunday, it's been a while since I've been able to say that. I dreaded going to look for a graduation dress. I mean yeah I was looking forward to it...I really couldn't wait to find a dress. What I could wait for was the dreaded feeling of having to go through another important step of my life alone. Okay so maybe you are thinking it's just a graduation dress but it's something that means a lot to me. I felt like I deserved a good experience and I was so sad that I was going to go through this experience alone.

Last Friday night I was at an al-anon meeting and our topic was "self pity". I spoke of how I do self pity really well and how earlier that day I was going through the why me's but that I was just going to keep working the program and let it work me. Well one of the women and I were talking after the meeting and she asked me why I was doing the why me's earlier that day. I told her, I'm graduating from college in May and that this time should be a happy time in my life but I'm going through all of these experiences alone. I explained how I just got my shoes for graduation and now I have to get my dress but I have to go through that all alone. What she said next totally caught me by surprise, she offered to go with me. I surprised myself and took her up on her offer.

On Sunday, I found myself at Kohl's shopping with my new friend. It was an amazing experience, we surprisingly had similar tastes and it was just so much fun. We'd pull a dress off the rack, we wouldn't be too sure about it but we'd pull it anyway for me to try. I did a "fashion show" of dresses as my friend said. I laughed, like really laughed and had fun. There was no stress, just fun, laughter and I just really enjoyed myself. I'm so thankful for the wonderful memory of that day and so grateful to the woman who joined me. She didn't have to go with me, she didn't have to offer but she chose to. That offer meant and means so much to me. I did find my dress and I spent the rest of my day smiling because I truly enjoyed myself. Thank you to the woman who was there when she didn't have to be.

Then I was at a meeting tonight and she was there as well she said something else that surprised me. The day before she asked me about how my doctor's appointment had gone, well let's put it this way it hadn't gone well. In our conversation the day before she asked if someone had gone to my eye doctor appointment with me. I said no, that I normally go to doctor's appointments on my own, that's just how it goes. Anyway, I was talking with her and another woman after the meeting and she turned to me and said "I just wanted to you know you can call me when you have a doctor's appointment. Just let me know the day/time/place and I'll go with you if I can." The other woman jumped in too, "Jess, you can call either of us just let us know when and where, we'll be there if we can." Tears filled my eyes. Neither of them have to be there for me and it means so much to me that they want to be there.

Things You Should Hear

I have a ton of friends who are in relationships. A few of those are in engagements. It's hard for me to understand why my friends have chosen to enter serious, long term relationships when they aren't treated as well as they should be.These are just some things that they should know:

1. You are allowed to do whatever you want, within limits of course. That's not to suggest cheating, or anything crazy.
2. If you make your own money, you are allowed to spend your own money however you want.
3. You are allowed to eat whatever you want.
4. You are allowed to watch whatever you want.
5. There are a thousand things I could say to you about what you are allowed to do, but I shouldn't have to tell you.
6. Most importantly, you are allowed to be you.

If any of these things, or something else that is equally outlandish, threaten to destroy your relationship maybe it's time to take a step back and really look at the big picture. I know you love him and he loves you but is this really love? I know that relationships require compromises but when you look at it, has he made any compromises for you? From this point of view it looks like you are making all of the compromises. Maybe I'm wrong.

My wish for you is that you could see what I see and that you don't have to change who you are. I hope that maybe I'm just not seeing the whole picture. My wish for you is that you are able to live your life the way you want to, without restraints. My wish for you is that you are happy.  Your family, and friends, love you and only want the best for you.

You deserve to live the life you want. You deserve more.

But if the life you want to live includes giving up things you love for your relationship and you are okay with that, then I'll be okay with it too. These are just some things I really thought you needed to hear.

I Can't Just Walk Away

I don't know how to be just his friend. I've said it a thousand times that I just want him to be happy. If I'm not what he wants and what makes him happy then I want him to be with someone who makes him happy. 

But there's only one problem, that's so much easier said than done. I thought I could just be his friend and I would be fine with that. It's harder than it seems. Today he went shopping and sent me pictures of the stuff he was trying on..he wanted my opinion. He wanted to know how he looked in the stuff he picked out. Why me? Why not ask one of the other girls he is friends with? He looked so good in the clothes from the first picture he sent. I joked with him and asked if he had a hot date. I was almost hoping he would have said yes. I mean that would hurt probably a lot but it would make it a tad bit easier. I'll take a tad bit easier over nothing. 

I want to walk away and stop talking to him, but he has done nothing wrong. It's not his fault that I have these feelings that I can't make go away. He has always been there for me and he is truly a great friend. But part of me wants nothing more than to turn around and never look back but I can't just walk away from him. I care too much to do that. I guess that leaves me right where I am, hoping for these feelings to disappear.

By Choice, Not Blood

I'm not going to lie when I found out that my best friend would be moving 25 hours and thousands of miles away, I was scared. Not only that she'd be so far but I was scared that our friendship would change. I was worried that we wouldn't be as close as we were at the point. That the distance would somehow change all of that. It was hard saying "see you later" to her but the next day I realized nothing was going to change.

I kept thinking I don't know what I'm going to do without her but I'm not losing her. Maybe a little bit in distance but that's about it. She's still her and I'm still me. She's only a phone call or a short plane ride away. I'm realizing if anything this distance will bring us closer together. Although we might not see each other like we used to, that hasn't changed our friendship. We still text all the time, have our random phone calls and Skype sessions. Nothing will change the fact that we are best friends, sisters and family. We may not be sisters or family by blood, but we are sisters and family by choice. I think that's the best kind of family there is.

One of the many pictures we took before she left.

I love my best friend and sister.

"A strong friendship doesn’t need daily conversation..

Doesn’t always need togetherness...

As long as the…

Relationship lives in the heart

True friends will never be apart."

Closure

Yesterday I went out with an old friend, whom I used to have really strong feelings for. Yes, I care for him now as a friend as I always have but I once cared for him on a deeper level. Yesterday, helped me to close a door that I once believed was available, the door to an "intimate" relationship with him. It also helped me to open the door to having a good and lasting friendship with him, I am so thankful for that. I'm looking forward to opportunities to meet new people and renewing this old friendship.