Deep down I've always dreamed of having that best friend, amazing mother and daughter relationship. You know that relationship where you can be open and honest, tell each other everything. But I don't have that with her and I say her because I don't think of her as a mother. I mean don't get me wrong for all intents and purposes she is a mother but she isn't a mom, at least not to me. That has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have the relationship that I wanted to have with her but everything to do with she wasn't a mom.
I've seen a lot of quotes along the lines of "You made me who I am today. And since there will never be words powerful enough to express my gratitude. I just thought I'd say thank you." And tears spring to my eyes when I read quotes and sayings like that. We don't have that relationship. Our relationship is minimal. I am who I am because of me and the positive role models I've had in my life, not her. I wish I could say I want to be like her when I grow up but that's a lie. I hold my breath when someone says you are just like your mom because I've worked for what seems like my whole life to not be like her.
In my eyes she ultimately had the choice to have a relationship with me but that includes everything the good and the bad. She chose nothing. That hurts but I know it's not my fault because I've tried the best I could. I gave it all I had but I'm done trying.
I'm trying to let go of my expectations because ultimately they are hurting me more than anything else. It's just hard to let go of something you wanted but there's not realize to dwell on something that will never be. Here's to moving on and trying to live with no regrets.
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