Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.

Finding Inner Peace

I always used to say I just want to be happy. I must have said that to my counselor a hundred times, "I just want to be happy". Back then I thought the key to my happiness was to finally have a diagnosis so I could move on. (This was after I had been undiagnosed with MS.) I was so sure once I was diagnosed things would be fine then I'd be happy and life would be perfect. But boy was I wrong.

Since then I've learned that a diagnosis can't make me happy, neither will a relationship with a guy. I needed to make myself happy, to be happy with who I am. I needed to live for myself. I'm sharing this with you because you need to depend on yourself to make yourself truly happy. You need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by someone else.

Take sometime to do things for yourself, do something to make yourself happy. Be kind to yourself. It's better to be truly happy with  your "single" self than yourself while you are in a relationship. Don't use a relationship as a buffer to your happiness. Yes you deserve more than anything in the world to be happy, I'm not saying you don't but sometimes a relationship isn't the answer. You can't use a relationship/diagnosis or whatever it may be to make you happy. You can't go "searching" for happiness, because happiness isn't a material possession, it's not something you can own or hold or visually "see". It's more of a mental state, happiness lies within you.