Praying for MS

Last week I had the "big three" done, at least that's what the women at my doctors office call them. For those of you who have never heard of the "big three", it's mris of the brain, c spine and t spine.

Yesterday I picked up the reports from my "big three". I read them which is something I do all the time but really shouldn't. The report read "Incidentally noted low-lying cerebellar tonsils 5mm below the foramen magnum equivocal for Chiari I Malformation."

I've been the BIGGEST mess since reading that. Thankfully I met up with a friend last night who got me laughing and distracted me. But last night I went to bed praying that somehow the report is wrong and my brain isn't growing down in a place it shouldn't be. Praying that this illness I have is just MS because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it being something else. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm a fighter. That I'm the strongest person they know that I've been through so much and made it through all of that.

I guess parts of that is true but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to have to be strong. I'm tired of going through all this. I'm tired of fighting for my life. But I also know I have to be positive and there's a reason God chose to give me all this.

I've always felt that he was punishing me and I couldn't understand why. At 24 (almost 25 - next week) I'm still a virgin, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. But maybe this is all apart of God's plan, this is his will for me.

I don't know anything for sure but I have my appointment today with the MS specialist. But if it is Chiari, I'm going to do my best to stay positive, to smile and get through this. I thank God for my friends, the ones I can cry with and the ones who can make me laugh my butt off even when I want to cry my eyes out.

If there's no cure, does it ever end?

A week ago today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting which turned into my second because I stayed for the meeting that followed the one I went to. A couple days later I attended my third. Then again today I attended the beginners meeting that I thought would be a good starting point for me. Again, I attended the meeting that followed. Even though I've only shared once in the five meetings that I've attended now, I'm learning a lot. It's somewhat comforting knowing that I'm not alone in this journey and that others have been there before me. Although I would never wish upon anyone what I've gone through. As I continue to listen, learn, and process what I'm hearing I know that eventually this will get easier and that this will help.

But there's one thing, I've heard and continue to hear, the explanation "It's the disease." I've thought about that.

It was the disease when I was 10 and my mom decided to load me and my friend in a car and drive to the liquor store. I didn't know until she came back to the car with the bottle wrapped in the brown paper and started tossing things into the backseat that she was drunk. This was the first time I remember her being drunk...consequently it was the day after I graduated from the DARE (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education program) at my elementary school.

It's possible that she had been drinking long before that first time I noticed. I may not have noticed at this point in time at all, if it hadn't been for the DARE program I went through.

I don't remember much from that point on until I was 12, I don't know if the drinking stopped for a couple of years or if I just ignored it. Her drinking got worse and I soon came to realize that the bottle would always be more important than me. It was a year after that when everything seemed to go down hill. I think that year was the year she was constantly in and out of rehabs like they were carnival rides. I remember the summer before I started 8th grade, my brother and I were sent to Maine to live with my dad's sister and her family because my mom was going into yet another rehab. That year when we went back to school my mom was in rehab. She was fine for a bit after she came back that time but then she kept slipping. The slip that hurt the most was the time I came home from school that year on my birthday. My brother and I had been locked out of the house and she was passed out. When we finally got in the house I sent my brother to the basement with the family dog and his homework. I proceeded to try to straighten out the house and get in touch with my dad while my mother threw up all over the place. I tried to ignore that my birthday present was thrown on the floor like she hadn't even thought to wrap it. Happy Birthday to me! That was the disease.

She went into rehab a couple more times after that and finally got sober. She still wasn't a parent. Her actions are still the same as they were when she was drinking.

Was it the disease when she told me to grow up and deal with the MS on my own? A little over a year after my diagnosis, I decided to switch specialists because I wasn't functioning on the medication for the MS and my current doctor wouldn't take me off it. Was it the disease when she told me that there was nothing that the doctor would be able to do for me? There are so many more moments I can recall...were those all the disease?

I guess I'm wondering do her actions every stop coming from the disease? Does she ever start owning up to the actions she makes as her own and not those of the disease?

Are You Happy?

Today was one of those days, you know what I'm talking about. First of all, I wasn't supposed to work but I offered to go in and work part of the day. It was one of those days where you are going non stop all day long. You would think the first and main thought in my mind would have been I can't wait to leave work. It wasn't.

Yes today was crazy busy, but it was fun. I love my job, the environment, and the individuals I work with. It was busy and hectic but oh so productive. I love the feeling of accomplishment and knowing that I'm doing a good job. I love feeling like I'm adding and contributing to something that is bigger than myself. I think that's why I decided to go into the field of Education. Although my current position isn't a teaching, I don't think I could have found a better job as a stepping stone. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I was given with this position. I've grown and learned so much from this opportunity. I'm continuing to grow and learn each day.

 

It's going to be hard and sad to leave at the end of December but I'm enjoying the time I have left there. I love my life and I'm making the most out of all the opportunities that I have been given. 

There's no reason that you shouldn't love your life. There's no reason you shouldn't be happy at your job. I hope you love your job and it makes you smile, as much as mine does. If not, maybe you should look for one that makes you smile. One that you look forward to going to each day. One that you'd be sad to leave. 

Feelin' Crafty!

We all know how much I like to get my hands dirty, whether figuratively or literally. I took on the project of redoing my bedroom earlier in September, I wanted my room to have a more calming feel. I've been taking on various craft projects since then. I have to say one of my ultimate favorites is the floor poof, as they are called. Odd name if you ask me but it's comfortable, so I really don't care what it is called.

I spent only an hour and a half trying to pick out the perfect fabric. ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF?? Crazy, right? I thought so. I fell in love with this one shade of grey but they didn't have enough of the amount of it that I needed, so back to the shelves I went! Then I found this awesome leaf patterned fabric and another grey that matched it.

 

So with my fabric picked out and cut, I grabbed some needles, found thread to match, a zipper and two bags of plush filling; I was ready to check out.

I got home and although I had many other more important tasks to tackle I couldn't help but start to sew. Off I went, many hours(probably 3- the first day) and two days later I had a completed project. I'm so happy with the turn out. It's perfect, just what I was picturing, and it's just want I needed to just sit in my room to read or currently studying for the praxis!

Final Product

So happy with the final results!  So thankful for the crafty and creative side that I was given!

I ♥ Fall

It's not the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes and other pumpkin flavored items that make me love the fall so much. It's breaking out the unbelievably comfy clothes; the leggings, over-sized sweaters and shirts, scarves and boots. It's the chill feeling in the cool crisp air. The smell of the air, its different than any other time of the year. Although I love all those things, they aren't the best part.

What I love about the fall more than anything else is the fading green color of the leaves mixed with the vibrant yellows, oranges and reds. I love driving down a road that is full of trees on each side, seeing the mix of all the different colors. The leaves falling from the trees cascading down in this playful way. The way they flutter across the windshield as you drive, it's absolutely beautiful. I drove to and from Atlantic City on Thursday and Friday. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking, I wish I could have taken pictures of the view.

For me, fall is the most magical, gorgeous time of the year. 

 

I’m embracing the things I love.

 Now it’s your turn.

 

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

Stepping Stone

Slowly but surely I'm learning. It might only be a day or two at a time but that's better than nothing right? I think so.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the mall to get some clothes for work I probably spent a good hour in Express trying on clothes. But I was happy and I found pants that fit me. I did a bit more shopping, after being at the mall for 2 hours and walking practically the whole mall I called it quits.

After I do something I'm always saying how extremely tired I am and that I overdid it. So I made the decision to leave the mall while I was still feeling good, win for me! I made a stop on the way home and whether or not that contributed to the way I feel now I don't know. 

I'm tired but not severely tired to the point where I need a nap. Yes I did rest when I got home and that's helping.

I'm learning to take a step back and evaluate the situations I'm in. Did I feel fine after 2 hours of shopping? Yes. But I was walking around and carrying bags or 2 HOURS, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. That's a big step for me. I wanted to keep shopping but I knew had I to stop. Here's to listening to myself and my body.

The Decision Is Yours

You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.

Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.

I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.

I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.

Live to be Happy

This summer has been about living for me and doing things for ME. No matter how little, silly or simple those things might seem. Last week I bought a new lip "color" it's somewhere between a lipstick and a lip gloss. I'm in love with the color, it's something little like that, those little things make me happy.

As of Tuesday I'm on leave of absence from school for the fall semester. I didn't pass my Praxis so I can't student teach this fall but it's going to be okay. I'm going to pass the test and in the mean time I'm going to study my butt off and sub.

I've been doing a lot of growing and discovering who I am this summer. I'm even thinking of redoing my room...I'm really just thinking of changing the color to something calming and relaxing but it's something I'm doing for ME. I'm really loving the ME I'm discovering and uncovering. And all I'm doing is letting myself be myself. I'm no longer letting myself be defined by the person that everyone else wants me to be.

I think that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Be the person that you want to be, not the person the world wants and expects you to be. Live for you and to make yourself happy.

Taking Back My Life

Last summer I made the decision to make the summer all about me and what I needed.  I found myself again, I discovered who I was and who I wanted to be. I grab the reins of my life and took back control. I stopped worrying about what everyone expected from me and wanted me to do. I starting doing what I wanted aside from all the doctors appointments and such.

This summer I've decided to enjoy my life, to have fun and not worry so much about doctor's appointments. I've decided to stop worrying over being sick and just live my life because I might not never get any worse. So I decided to become a true redhead!

 

(Left picture is before..Right picture is after.)

Okay so it might not be the best picture ever but you can tell that I'm a redhead and I'm loving it!

Here's to living my life for ME!

Accepting a Realization

I had an appointment with another MS specialist and he wasn't quick to say you definitely have MS or you definitely don't have MS. Both of which I thought it would be incredibly hard to hear. What he did say though was that he didn't want to throw out MS because I meet some of the criteria but not all of it. Those criteria including the lesions on my brain, my spinal tap abnormality and my symptom (even as non-specific). He said that MS cannot be ruled out because he can't say for sure that it won't turn into MS and he wants to be cautious with me because of my family history of MS.

I was scared as anything for this appointment. I tried my best to "back out", I even tried bribing my best friend who went with me to the appointment. I'm glad that she didn't cave in and that she was there to help me through it. I was scared to hear what he had to say, scared that he would dismiss me, and just plain scared in general. But leaving that appointment I didn't feel the wave of overwhelming emotion that I thought I would. I won't say I was in complete shock because in a way I kind of went in there expecting the worse but I was calm after my appointment. I didn't feel the need to cry afterwards like I had with my appointments with the other MS specialist. I thought I would breakdown if I had to leave one more doctors office with an unknown diagnosis or unknown cause of my symptoms. Maybe because this doctor is taking things seriously even though he hasn't diagnosed me. Maybe because he has recognized my symptoms and isn't just tossing them completely away. Maybe because he did recognize that something is going on. It could be all those reasons plus others. He did tell me to just go on living on my life.

I'm not going to lie that worried me a bit. I thought so he wants me to just go on living my life without being on a treatment and the only way I'm going to get a diagnosis is if there are more lesions on my next MRI or if I get worse. Then something in my mind changed, I stopped looking at the worst case scenario. I might never have more lesions on my MRI and I might never get worse. Two aspects that I didn't think to look at before because I was always trying to prepared myself for the worst. So while I could get worse which would probably lead me to a diagnosis, I could also stay the same and I've been living with these symptoms for so long what's the difference.

What I wasn't expecting was to feel good leaving his office and in an odd way I did feel good. Maybe I was just ready to accept that I might never have answers after months and months of working on it. I might owe that one to my counselor who helped me through it all. We worked hard on trying to get me back into the good place I was in before I heard the first MS specialist say "I'm not sure you have MS". Maybe it was this appointment along with all the work we did in counseling that helped me get back on track.

In the end I'm just happy that it happened because I do feel so good (even though I'm experiencing symptoms). I'm feeling more positive that I'm where I need to be, I'll move on with my life (keeping track of my symptoms) but I know that if anything does happen I have a great support system of doctors and individuals ready to help me.

“When everything seems like it’s falling apart that’s when God is putting things together just the way he wants it.”