New Normals

I'm so used to dealing with changes in my body. I accepted the fact that I won't know what's going to happen with my body because of the MS. I got used to the fact that I would have new normals like numb body parts and intolerance to heat. The list goes on but I think you get the point.

I've recently reached a new rough patch in the road and I've been really upset about it. I think it's time for me to just throw a smile on my face and pretend like I'm happy. But the truth is that's so much harder than it sounds.

The truth is I miss my best friend like hell. I've been through some pretty rough patches the last few months. From starting al-anon when I had reached my breaking point and several more times since then to losing my vision for length of several hours. Through all that I really just needed my best friend...I really just needed to call her up and talk. But I haven't been able to and that's hard. It's hard not to be able to turn to the one person that's always been there for you no matter what happened.

I feel silly for being upset but the hurt is real. My walls are going up to protect myself, I hate that this is the way it has to be right now.

The Decision Is Yours

You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.

Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.

I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.

I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.

All or Nothing

I've never had a good relationship with my mom, well at least as far back as I can remember. And I can really only remember my time with her starting when I was in 5th grade. 5th grade happened to coincidentally coincide with the first time I realized my mom was an alcoholic. I never really felt like she was there for me.

Even now, it's like she only wants to be around for the happy stuff and when things get rough she can't be bothered. She shouldn't get the option to be around for just the good but for some reason she seems to. That's not fair to me, I don't get the choice to poof myself away when things get bad and simply enjoy the good. She has to be there to support me for the good and the bad. She has to be there for it all. But I don't think she can which doesn't seem to bother because she doesn't really support at all. So when it comes down to all or nothing. I think she already made her decision, as hard as a realization it is for me. I'm letting go of the fantasy of her being a real mom. Because she clearly chose nothing.