Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

Quarter of a Century

On Wednesday, I turned 25 the world didn't stop spinning it didn't explode it was just like any other day. I've had this picture or vision of what my life would be like at 25 and honestly my life now is nothing like I imagined it to be. But that's my problem...I'm in visioning what I want for my life without taking into consideration what God already has planned for my life. I really have no say in it I'm just living his will for me.

At this point in time I'm not living the life I had expected to live but I'm living the life god wanted me to live. I'm walking the path he has chosen for me and trying not to question it too much. Here's to trying to live out god's will for me to the best of my ability.

From Relief to Overwhelmed

When I was diagnosed I gave myself a timeline of how long it should take me to be okay with having MS. I would say in a year from now everything will be fine and back to normal. I learned, although not fast enough, that somethings in life just can't be mapped out. I had to give myself all the time I needed and not rush myself through all the things I was feeling.

I realized the other day that I've gone back to setting timelines for certain aspects of my life, one in particular being my health. I have visits with my neurologist and my MS specialist every 4-6 months. When I saw the MS Specialist this past June, he referred me to a neuro-ophthalmologist. I had thought he had said if the neuro-ophthalmologist found anything that we would start looking at treatments. But after my most recent appointment with him last week that doesn't seem to be the case because although things were found he isn't ready to commit to the diagnosis of MS or put me on treatment. He wants to repeat the MRI in 6 months and then go from there. 

I've been using these 6 month periods as timelines thinking okay so after these 6 months we will look at medications. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what I was doing that I'm able to stop myself. I'm learning to throw these timelines out the window because ultimately I have very little say in what happens 6 months from now as far as starting treatment is concerned. I think throwing away these timelines is going to be the only way to protect myself emotionally and ultimately protect my sanity. I think it might be the only way I'll be able to come out of my next 6 month appointment and be okay with not starting treatment should that be my doctors decision. 

At the end of my appointment last week I was so ready to throw in the towel and give up. I went in the span of a month from feeling an immense sense of relief to a place with an intense overwhelming confusion and fear. Instead of just throwing the towel, I paused. I went back and reread a post I wrote last month. Last month I wrote about the relief I felt and how glad I was that I didn't give up and that I fought for answers. Even though the overwhelming-ness is back, I'm looking forward to feeling that relief I felt last month once again. I'm not setting time limits, I'm hanging on and looking to God.

I'm learning I have no control over this situation it's within my doctor's hands and God's will for me. Here's to trying to give this situation over to God and not trying to take in back into my control. I'm so thankful for the support system that I do have helping me to get through this very tough situation.

Praying for MS

Last week I had the "big three" done, at least that's what the women at my doctors office call them. For those of you who have never heard of the "big three", it's mris of the brain, c spine and t spine.

Yesterday I picked up the reports from my "big three". I read them which is something I do all the time but really shouldn't. The report read "Incidentally noted low-lying cerebellar tonsils 5mm below the foramen magnum equivocal for Chiari I Malformation."

I've been the BIGGEST mess since reading that. Thankfully I met up with a friend last night who got me laughing and distracted me. But last night I went to bed praying that somehow the report is wrong and my brain isn't growing down in a place it shouldn't be. Praying that this illness I have is just MS because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it being something else. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm a fighter. That I'm the strongest person they know that I've been through so much and made it through all of that.

I guess parts of that is true but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to have to be strong. I'm tired of going through all this. I'm tired of fighting for my life. But I also know I have to be positive and there's a reason God chose to give me all this.

I've always felt that he was punishing me and I couldn't understand why. At 24 (almost 25 - next week) I'm still a virgin, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. But maybe this is all apart of God's plan, this is his will for me.

I don't know anything for sure but I have my appointment today with the MS specialist. But if it is Chiari, I'm going to do my best to stay positive, to smile and get through this. I thank God for my friends, the ones I can cry with and the ones who can make me laugh my butt off even when I want to cry my eyes out.

Eyes Wide Open

A couple weeks ago, I saw yet another specialist. That specialist confirmed once and for all that I have MS. Since then I've had this decision looming over my head. Did I want to go on an oral medication that has side effects that could possibly effect my stomach or an inject-able medication that someone told me had left dents in her legs? I've been going back and forth in my mind between the two medications.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stomach issues that I could possibly have from the oral medication because I already have enough stomach problems. Therefore, I had been leaning towards the inject-able medication, the side effects didn't seem awful..they actually seemed manageable. That was until my friend had told and showed me the dents that were left in her legs after the injections.

That little bit of information had me second guessing wanting to go on this medication. I couldn't help but think I don't want dents in my legs, no guy is ever going to want me with those dents, and the various other thoughts that filled my mind. The thoughts were so superficial, I was so worried about my appearance that I had forgotten about all the other parts of myself.

Today, my eyes were opened. I was shopping at Kohl's and there was this little girl sitting in cart, she couldn't of been more than four years old. She seemed like she was having a really good time with her mom. I looked up from the clothes rack and the little girl looked at me and said "You're gorgeous". Those two words coming out of the mouth of this little girl blew me away. A few minutes later, she looked at me again and said "I love your hair".

It might sound silly to you but to me it felt like God was speaking through this little girl. I'd been struggling with the decision to go on a medication that could alter my appearance in some way. But that little girl opened my eyes today, her words brought me to the realization that appearance really doesn't matter. Yes, it felt good to hear her say that "I'm gorgeous" but I feel like she saw more than just my outer ward appearance...I feel like she saw my soul.

I never talk about myself like this because I really don't have a ton of self confidence but she gave me confidence. She made me see myself in another light. It was a truly beautiful and eye opening experience for me. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason that we were both in that store, in the same department at the same time.

I'm seeing myself just a little through her eyes, trying to see what it is that she saw that God so desperately wanted me to see. She may never realize the impact she had on me but she made such a difference in my life today. My wish for that little girl is that she will grow up to see herself through the same set of eyes that she saw me in. I feel truly blessed that God chose that moment to show me not only the way but a little bit of myself through this beautiful, innocent little girl.

Two years ago this month, I walked into what at the time was a new doctors office to me. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last specialists office that I would walk into. At the time, I thought this is it...this is the last doctor. I'm going to get off this medication and switch to something else.

Two years ago this month, I heard words that I never thought I would ever hear. "I'm almost 99.9% sure that you don't have MS...there's nothing I can do for you." Some may think well that's a good thing right? And I guess it would be if not for the symptoms I experience. Deep down I knew something was wrong and I was pretty sure that something was MS.

Since that day, I've lived in so much fear and anxiety. Fear that I would get worse before they figured things out. Fear that they might not figure out what was wrong with me. Fear that I would end up giving in to the unknown and once again give up my fight for a diagnosis. I struggled a lot with wanting to just pretend that things were okay. Pretend that I hadn't lost my vision for a short period of time. 

Two years ago, I was overwhelmed with the fear, anxiety and the roller-coaster of ups and downs that I had taken a seat on. I could have let that take over me but I didn't. Today I'm grateful that I didn't give up. I'm grateful that I sought out other doctors and that I listened to them. I'm grateful that they saw what that doctor didn't see. I'm grateful that they referred me to other doctors within the neurology specialty when they needed to.

If I had given up that day, I wouldn't have the relief I have today. Today, I'm not overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. Today, I'm full of relief, the relief of having answers. Two days ago, I saw yet another specialist. He confirmed what I think I deep down already knew. I have MS. I'm so grateful that I didn't give up and have answers.

To those of you out there still stuck and being pulled down in what seems like quicksand don't give up. I know things may be really hard right now, trust me I understand. I've been there more times than I would have liked. But I do know things will get better. They may not be better in an hour, a day, a week or even a month. I know we want situations fixed quickly but I've learned that unfortunately that's not always reality. . Yes, it took me two years to get here but if I had given in and given up. I'd still be sinking. Hang in there because some day the sand won't feel so thick and overwhelming-ness of the situation will be gone. Hang in there because trust me if you don't your going to be missing out on so much. Trust me, things will get better. Have faith.

New Normals

I'm so used to dealing with changes in my body. I accepted the fact that I won't know what's going to happen with my body because of the MS. I got used to the fact that I would have new normals like numb body parts and intolerance to heat. The list goes on but I think you get the point.

I've recently reached a new rough patch in the road and I've been really upset about it. I think it's time for me to just throw a smile on my face and pretend like I'm happy. But the truth is that's so much harder than it sounds.

The truth is I miss my best friend like hell. I've been through some pretty rough patches the last few months. From starting al-anon when I had reached my breaking point and several more times since then to losing my vision for length of several hours. Through all that I really just needed my best friend...I really just needed to call her up and talk. But I haven't been able to and that's hard. It's hard not to be able to turn to the one person that's always been there for you no matter what happened.

I feel silly for being upset but the hurt is real. My walls are going up to protect myself, I hate that this is the way it has to be right now.