Swept under the Rug

You say that I've pushed you away and shut you out. You say that you've done nothing to deserve that. Maybe that's partially true but think of how I grew up. Think about almost everything you both have ever said to me. Bruises go away and maybe easier to forget but I never had actual bruises. Words hurt just as much and are harder to forget. For me, the words are burned into my head and memory. And unforunately with the messed up memory I have, I actually remember everything you've ever said to me.

I remember you both telling me how bad drugs and alcohol were. I went through the Dare program at school. The next night she put me and my friend in the car and drove under the influence to the liquor store to get another bottle. I didn't realize until she had come out of the store and gotten into the car that she was drunk. It wasn't until she started throwing things from the front seat into the back seat where we were sitting. I remember going home that night and he was home when we got there. He yelled a lot and you guys fought.

I remember getting my period for the first time. I remember calling for her and her asking if it was important. I said yes. Her asking Jess is it really that important? I said no that time because I realized in the moment, I would never be more important than the bottle. I went through my first and every period since on my own.

I remember the yelling everytime she got drunk. I remember the day after aunt phyl's wedding, she had fallen off the wagon again. I got home from hanging out with a friend and had hid her car keys because that's what I was supposed to do. But I got frustrated and was tired of dealing with a drunk mother, so I put them in an area where I knew you'd look for them. I don't remember where it was but you found them. You told me you were driving to aunt phyl's that everyone was hanging out up there. But I stayed home because I knew you were drunk and I wasn't putting myself in the car with you. I think part of me hoped you would be in an accident, that maybe you would finally learn your lesson. You made it there safe but somehow you driving drunk, me letting you go was my fault.

That started your time in rehabs. We had to pack the next day, he brought us up to aunt phyl's and we were taken back to maine with aunt ria. We were there for at least a month. I remember even when we came back to New Jersey, we had to stay at Nana's we weren't allowed home. I remember finally being allowed home and a few days later you guys bought a dog. I laugh now because did you think that was going to solve all the problems? She fell off the wagon a few days later, saying she couldn't stay here. She were called someone to pick her up and take her back to rehab.

I remember my teacher being more supportive and reassuring the day before I went for my first spinal tap. I was only 16. When I needed you most, when I needed you to be parents and be supportive you couldn't. I remember leaving the hospital and wanting to stop by the school. Looking back now, I think school was my safe place and I knew I wasn't going to be there for the next week. I wanted to stop so bad, I know how silly and unrealistic that is. I remember having to be the adult and staying strong through every test I had to have.

I remember being upset about something that day, I can't remember what though. But your response was that it wasn't fair to Ant. He was always having to stay at friend's houses on school nights. Only honestly, I think he was getting the better part of the deal. I was constantly in testing centers, having mris, eeg's, ekg's, mra's, etc. That day I was having a spinal tap. But somehow it wasn't fair to him.

I remember laying in aunt a's bed pretending to still be asleep as she talked to someone on the phone. I remember her saying "Anthony is being committed in the hospital. Sue found him running a knife up and down his arm threating to kill himself." I remember waking up that morning and her telling me that you were in the hospital because of your heart. Only I knew it was a lie, you guys were always trying to keep things from me. Funny how you tried to hide everything from me but always kept my younger brother in the loop.

I remember the first time I got in a car with all of you. I was at least a quarter of a mile if not further away from the red light, I still had plenty of time to slow down and break. I wasn't even going that fast. Instead of keeping quiet or saying something encouraging, all three of you started yelled at me. I ran over a no turns sign.

I started crying even though I knew better not to cry because that's a sign of weakness. I put the car into park. you got out the passenger seat to check the damage and I hopped into it. I was done driving. You guys yelled at me some more. That was the first and last time I drove on my permit until I had to take my test.

I remember the time I pulled up to the house to find 3 cop cars and an ambulance. You had texted your sister threatening to end your life and she called 911. I walked into the house scared of what I would find. Were you alive or dead? You were rocking back and forth on the couch. You were saying that you were done, that it was time. You went into the hospital again but this time I knew why, you guys couldn't hide it from me. But again this time I was the only one not allowed to see you. I felt like you trying to kill yourself was my fault.

I remember the time the guy rang the doorbell serving an eviction notice we had a month before the bank foreclosed on the house. You told me not to worry about it and wouldn't tell me what was going on. But how do you not worry about something like that. For a month I  was in a state of panic wondering how fast I could the stuff I really needed into my car if I had to. I remember wondering if I should just have stuff packed just in case.

I remember never being good enough. Getting yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink that weren't mine. Getting yelled at for being selfish. Never being able to live up to what your son does. I remember saying to myself that I'm sorry you got stuck with a daughter as screwed up as me. I'm sorry that no matter what I do, nothing I do is right. I'm sorry I can't be the picture perfect person that you want me to me.

I remember you telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me and that we don't always get everything that we want. Honestly, did you think I didn't know that. Did you really think I wanted to be living my life sick for so many years like I had. If anyone knows how unfair life is it's me. But I also know that world doesn't revolve around me and I don't expect it to.

I remember having to watch what I said to both of you so that I wouldn't upset you. But neither of you ever seem to have to watch what you said to me. Like when you told me there was nothing the doctor was ever going to be able to do to help me. Maybe you said it out of anger but still you said it and never said sorry. Don't think about even saying it now, it's too late.

You guys have never really listened to me and any time I've tried to explain myself you've said you don't want to hear the excuses. So when you say I've shut you out in an questioning way, I just say I'm sorry you feel that way or I stay quiet. I know you don't really want an explanation because to you it will be nothing more than an excuse. Like this list of all the things I remember would be nothing more than a list of excuses to you, and there are so many more.

But everything you've ever done or said to me you've acted like it never happened. Just like the alcoholism and suicide attempts were swept under the rug like they never existed either.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or even just love me. But I'm done now and I have been, I'm living for me and making the decisions I want to make.

Honestly, I don't even want to be around either of you. I still need space. I need to just be able to be me without having to worry about either of you or what either of you think. I'm happy right now and trying to work through things from the past. Maybe it seems unfair but right now I'm better off without you guys in my life. Plus, should you both really be the ones who gets to decide what's fair? I never had a say when I was little but now I'm old enough to make my old decisions. 

I never had a connection with my parents. There was no bonded relationship. Not a single tear fell when my mom would leave for rehab and she left many times. I did feel relief though, that she was finally gone even if it was only for a little bit. Maybe that makes me a bad daughter but I had no sanity when she was around. It's been eight months since I moved out and I've been fine without my parents.

But the thought of losing you guys scares me. And there are tears and overwhelming feelings.

Parents are supposed to be the one set of people that love you no matter what. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that wasn't my parents and I've realized that will never be my parents. They criticize my every step and have questioned me till I wasn't sure what was really right.

But you guys have supported me since day one. From doctors stuff and injections to my interviews and accepting jobs. You've backed me when I wasn't sure if the decision I was making was right. 

I can't imagine you guys not in my life. I know that our nights of us watching tv, me laying on top of your legs and you brushing my hair aren't going to last forever. The nights of me staying in what you guys call my room isn't going to last forever. But there are going to be new moments.

I see you guys there making faces (hopefully not though) at the guy (or guys) I bring home. You guys badgering him -- asking him questions from the "rules list". Even though I don't want a traditional big wedding, I still picture you there with me, helping me get ready.

So maybe things won't always stay how things are right now but I hope you'll always be apart of my life. 

I had a dream the other night. You guys got the kids back and things changed. I'm scared. I know if the situation came up and the kids needed you to take them back in you guys would in a heartbeat. The kids deserve that. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Being loved and feeling safe especially by you guys is one of the best feelings in the world. I would know.

I'm scared because there's this overwhelming feeling that things would change. I felt it at dinner the other night. They were your kids tonight or it felt that way. You asked me if I was okay a couple times, I said yeah and played it off as being tired. Maybe I'm not the best at hiding things or expressions but I think you bought it. It felt like I was sitting in on dinner with a family. I was an outsider looking in.

I've felt like I was your kid for a while now and you're always calling me your adopted daughter but it felt different tonight. It's stupid and silly. They are just little kids. They'd need you more than I would anyway. But I'm attached or maybe it's just that I love you guys I'm not sure. But I felt like I had been pushed to the back. I feel like I'm being totally stupid and ridiculous.

I'm just scared of losing you. Losing the little moments. Losing feeling like I could come to you whenever and about whatever. Losing the big tight hugs. The "I love yous". Because they are little and they would have to come first.

You told me once that you had an abortion and that baby would be my age. That I literally could be your kid. Not too soon after it had kind of felt like I became your kid. But maybe we aren't supposed to have the things we lost out on. Maybe I'm not supposed to be there.

I grew up with a mother who was physically present but not really present emotionally and mentally. She wasn't maternal. Maybe we only get one shot at these experiences. Maybe my time with you is just supposed to be short. Maybe it's just supposed to show me the person and mom I can be. That I can't let my past dictate my future.

It's little moments like these that I am so grateful for having you guys in my life. We spent the day painting, there were lots of laughs and some what the heck facial expressions. It's simple and silly. The other night you tucked me, it was your idea. Might seem silly for a 26 year old to be tucked in but I got a comforting feeling from it. It felt like I was home and that's where I belonged. 

It's in the moments when we are having silly conversations but that we can also have serious ones. I know that with you I don't have to question or think twice when you say "I love you". That in itself is probably what gets me the most. For the first time I feel loved and it doesn't feel forced. 

I spent my whole life striving to be anyone but my mom, in school you were someone I looked upto and I still look upto. I wouldn't mind being like you. 

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.

The World Stopped

Today I got a phone call that changed my world. I thought I was safe. Honestly I did. I never thought I'd hear the words you have a new lesion, let alone five new lesions. I always thought I'd be stable.

I thought my MS specialist was crazy wanting to see new damage on my MRI. My friends and the doctor would say you might never have new damage, you may stay like this forever. I think I started to believe that. I never thought the day would come when I would actually hear that I have new lesions.

Last year I broke down when I learned about the low-lying cerebellar tonsils which correlate with Chiari. I lost it with that news. I couldn't handle the thought of being saddled with two incurable illnesses.

But I really lost it hearing that there have been changes. I remember the doctor going on, talking, explaining things to me. I remember trying to hold it together as I asked, but there have been changes? I was so confused and at first I didn't think I had heard her right. Yes, you have 5 new lesions she told me. I remember her reading the report to me. What stood out was 4 new lesions on the left and 1 new lesion on the right, that is active. I held it in but later I lost it. The tears flowed, I balled. 

I sat in that office so many times. Mri after mri. I've read report after report and I've listened to my doctors read report after report to me. It's always said stable white matter lesions. No evidence of active demyelination. No new white matter lesion. As frustrating as that was to hear, it was the one constant in my life among the ever-changing symptoms I experienced. This time hearing there are 3-4 new lesions noted within the left parietal subcortical white matter. There is a new lesion noted within the right posterior frontal subcortical white matter and posterior parietal subcortical white matter.

I'm trying to find some sort of positive in all of this. Trying to reflect on what is going right especially when it seems like everything is going wrong.

And then I think about all I've overcome in life so far to this point. I'm driving. I think a lot of people doubted that would ever happen. I'm teaching math in a high school resource setting. I'm modeling or at least starting to. I have an "adopted" family who I love and loves me back. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I'm genuinely happy. For a long time, I always thought the core of my happiness lied in getting a diagnosis. Thankfully, I worked out through that. 

But this still has rocked me to the core. I'm not letting it completely destory my life but I am upset. I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I need to get through this I'm just not sure how.

My Firsts, My Adventures, My Future

Do I let go and move on? I've been trying but I'm not sure I really want to let go. Deep down I think I know I should. I fear that I might fall in love with someone else and then you'll be single. Our chance once again will be lost. Maybe then is it really meant to be? I'm not saying that I'm in love with you but I like you and care about you.

Maybe it's a comfort thing but I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I've never felt this way about anyone else. I've never connected like this with anyone else. But I also know my chance may have been lost.

I can't guarentee that a relationship would work out between us. But I'd try, I'd give you what you deserve and from where I stand you deserve the world. I may not be able to give you the whole world but I'd try. I know I wasn't ready before. I wasn't ready to open myself up to you but I am now. It didn't make sense how someone could want to be with me but you didn't know my past. From what I see now you just wanted to be a part of my future. Things make more sense now.

Right now, if I had the choice I want my firsts to be with you. I want to my adventures to be with you. I want my future to be with you. Could I be happy with someone else? Probably. But right now you're who I think of, you're who I want to be happy with.

But sometimes we don't always get what we want. So if my firsts, my adventures, my future, and my happiness can't be with you; I'll understand. Eventually I'll be able to let myself move on, I'll try not to hold myself back from finding love.

The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

It's Never Been Home Till Now

It's always just been a house, never a home. My parents put a roof over my head growing up but I never felt comfortable and I never felt like I belonged. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I went to them with, I had somehow screwed up. So somewhere along the way, I stopped going to them it wasn't worth waiting to see what my next mistake would be in their eyes.

The friends who have become family. Nowhere has ever felt like home till now.  And at first I have to say I thought the feeling was that I was scared to be alone, I thought it was pure loneliness. Leaving your house on Sundays and going home my apartment in the past was hard. The tears would start falling a little while after I got home.

I didn't understand why, I was so used to being alone. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad. It was this overwhelming feeling, like there was an elephant on my chest. It didn't make sense to me how I could be alone during the week and be absolutely fine. But coming home after spending the weekend with you guys I would feel so sad.

But I had also never had anywhere that felt like home. There wasn't a place where I could just be me, mistakes, flaws and all. There were never people who felt like family and treated me like family.

After taking the time to reflect on the situation, I realized it wasn't sadness from being alone. I was homesick. Your house is the first place that's felt like a home. It makes sense now. I'd never been homesick before because I never had anywhere that felt like home.

I'm thankful to have a place and people that feel like home. People I know I can run to when things get tough but also to share when things are good. Thankful for people who care about me, who won't judge me no matter what I do. Thankful for the moments I never had but am experiencing now.

To the Boy Who Tried

I was 24 and you were just trying to make me happy. I wasn't ready to be happy as silly as that sounds. I was living in a toxic environment just trying to hold myself together. Happiness wasn't on the horizon and survival was the only thing on my mind.

No one had ever put me first before themselves but you did and that didn't make sense to me. I see now that you were trying to live life with me. You were trying to give me life experiences, it was exactly what I didn't know I needed.

You spoke about the future and made plans for us but I was scared. There were so many factors in play.

I knew when you said you'd be there for me no matter what, that you meant it and that scared me too. No one had really been there for me before, not even people who were supposed to. So how could someone who hadn't known me that long, be there. But you were and you waited as long as you could.

And now what seems like a second chance might be possible in the future, at least that's what I hear from your friends. If I really have a second chance, I want my firsts to be with you. I don't want them to be with someone else but am I silly for waiting around for what might be? I'm already stuck on the what could have been. Should I really be jumping on the what might be wagon?

If I could do it all again, I wish I could say I'd make different decisions. But the decision to walk away from us and what we could have been was probably the best decision I could have made. I was so messed up and I'm not sure a relationship would have survived everything I was going through. If it did I may have just pushed you farther away, at least you are still in my life as a friend. I want you to be happy so I truly hope you're happy with her and that she treats you the way you should be treated. Because you are an amazing guy and you deserve the world.

I need to let you go, as much as I still want to hold on its time to let go. Everyone has regrets in their lives, you are my biggest regret.

It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

All the Ways that Matter

It's the moments in your life well my life in particular that I've never had before. A few months ago I wrote about how I wanted a mom. I wasn't crying for the biological one that I had, but I was longing for a mom. It's funny how life works. I have an "adopted" mom now and I'm getting the chance to experience moments I've never had before.

The "I love yous". The goofy smiles and laughter. Singing random songs and dancing in the kitchen. The big tight hugs. The good night, sleep tights before bed. The how did you sleep in the morning. Watching a show together at night just because we can. Sitting in the quiet morning silence with coffee and tea. 

Laughing at my mistakes because almost anything can be fixed. Sharing excitement for big life moments. 

It's the simple little acts. The acts that I've ever experienced, the things others may have taken for granted. Feeling loved just for being the person that I am, not having to try to fit into a mold and be someone else. Knowing I'm good enough as I am and that's an amazing feeling. When it comes down to it all, the experiences are really nice to have but I think it's the connection and bond that really make the experiences.

She may not have become a mom in the conventional sense that everyone thinks of but she's a mom in all the ways that matter most.  

Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

Water over Blood

People say that "blood is thicker than water" when referring to family and friends. But I wonder what makes blood better because in my case it isn't.

I've been thinking about the little things lately, the little things I've never had when it comes to the blood. Its the little things people take for granted. I have some of those things now and I'm a little scared to get used to them for the fear that they may disappear is strong. The support, hugs, and laughter. Sharing important moments with someone else.

Having a  safe place and person to run to when things get tough. The tight reassuring everything is going to be okay hugs. Never having to question whether I'm in inconvenience. Although I do slip frequently because I grew up as an inconvenience and it's hard to outgrow the thought that maybe not everyone views you that way. That some people actually want to be there for you, no strings attached.

I used to try to hide my fears and be a picture perfect person but perfection is over rated and my fears let me know I'm human. Isn't everyone? I have to say it's a lot more fun being imperfect than perfect. Mistakes give me room to grow and I know now I don't have to get everything right the first time around.

I'd take water over blood anyday, my friends who have become my family. The friends that love me unconditionally, no matter what choices I make. The friends I give my trust to and who have my trust in return.

Thank you for letting me be myself. For loving all of me including my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.

Perfection doesn't exist

She wants perfection, the picture perfect daughter. She always has. There's no such thing as perfection, I'm far from it. But now I think reality maybe sinking in for her even if it's just a little. The reality that in a few short weeks I'm going to be gone. She's lost her chance to be my mom in its fullest capacity.

It was a chance that I had given up on long ago. Yes it would have been nice to have the mother daughter relationship that I've read about in books, watched in movies, and the kind I've written about. That ship has long since sailed away, out into the deep blue yaunder.

I can tell she is maybe starting to feel bad that she is losing me or her chance I can't tell which. She's trying to buy my love but if she knew me she'd know that I can't be bought.

Thank you

As I reflected on my life and what I didn't have, I realized how truly grateful I am for what I do have and the people in my life who do care.

Thank you to the woman who lets me talk to her about my bad interviews and awkward dates. Who lets me share my fears and tells me when I really have nothing to worry about but listens to my worries anyway. The woman who tries anything to distract me when I come to her scared about something.

The one who I can text when I'm upset, who will let me come over if she's home and will give me the biggest squeeze me to death hugs. The one who has been laughing with me lately. The one I can just be silly with. The one who will just sit with me even if I'm not saying much of anything (which is totally the case sometimes).

For teaching me how to curl my hair. For taking the time to teach me stuff in general no matter what it may be. For introducing me to new experiences. For reassuring me that it's okay to cry and to feel my feelings. For believing in me and teaching me to believe and have confidence in myself. For being proud of me and telling me so.

For showing me that I am capable of doing more than I think I am. For comforting me when I go to her upset and celebrating with me when I go to her with good news. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust and showing me that it is possibly to trust. Thank you for being always being a role model, giving me someone to look up to as an example of what I wanted to be like. Thank you for being a friend. I know you're not my mom but thank you for being a mom like figure in my life for doing things a mom may do. Most of all thank you for just being there.

"I want a Mom"

"A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend." That's a quote I've see a lot. I don't have that mother. There were no tea parties, lunch dates, or mani/pedi days. No fun shopping trips, sharing secrets or laughter. She never painted my nails or went dress shopping for prom, school dances or graduation. No meaningful heart to heart talks about the new guy in my life, school, my health or my life in general.

She wasn't there when I got my period for the first time. Well technically she was but when I called for her she asked is it really important I knew in that moment, I wasn't that important. She wasn't there for what most people would consider big life moments. She didn't teach me about makeup, shaving or waxing/cleaning up my eyebrows.

I didn't  run to her when I was sick and scared of all the doctor's  appointments. There were no big, tight comforting "it'll be okay" hugs. I don't remember any "I love yous" or cuddling up on the couch when I was little. No just because movie days or teaching me how to cook or bake. 

For all intents and purposes I have a biological mother but I don't have a mom. At least it doesn't feel like it. In the past I've felt bad and even guilty for thinking and feeling this but this is how I feel I can't really change it. She couldn't and can't be what I need, she just isn't capable and I'm realizing that.

Coming to terms with that realization, I know it won't be my biological mother filling in these moments. Even still, I need and want a mom.  Someone who will give me one of those super tight squeeze you to death hugs when I'm upset or just because. Someone to confide in about my excitement and worries before a date. Someone who will give me advice on what to wear on said date and if what I picked out looks okay. Someone who will then sit and listen to the details of the date and tell me it's okay if he doesn't call that just means it wasn't meant to be. A mom who I can just sit with and talk to, who doesn't make it seem like being there with me is an inconvenience. 

A mom just to share time doing activities with, even if they are chores like prepping dinner or a new do it yourself project. Someone to tell me I'm being silly and overthinking a situation. Who will help guide me in the right direction but not get mad if I only take half of her guidance. Someone who is going to tell me she's proud of me, even when I make mistakes.

A mom who is going to tell me about her life experiences but isn't afraid to let me go and make my own mistakes even if they are the same ones she made. Someone to learn from, to laugh with and cry with. I want the bond. I want to feel loved, connected, wanted.

Goodbye Guilt, see you later.

My best friend and sister got married a little over a week ago. The drive home from Maryland the morning after the wedding was probably one of the hardest drives I've ever had. I cries the whole three and a half hours home, and I do mean the whole three and a half hours. We'll minus the put stop for gas I willed away the tears so the gas station attendant didn't think I was crazy.

The whole ride how all I could think as I cried was "I want a mom, I feel like I don't have a mom." Looking back and reflecting I'm noticing how much those words mean. I want A mom, I wasn't crying for the mother I have (she's my mother biologically but in all other aspects she's not my mom). I was crying for a mom, another mother.

I missed out on so much growing up. Painting nails, mother daughter dates, dress shopping for school dances, prom and graduation, cooking in the kitchen together, just learning from her. Its the little life moments that seemed silly at the time but they are really everything. Those moments are everything in life and I have nothing.

I've had the chance to experience some of these things with other women in my life and I've felt guilty about it. Guilty that I've had the chance to experience things without my mother. But these are the things I need and she couldn't give them to me. So now I've been blessed with the chance to experience these moments with other women in my life. I'm done feeling guilty.

I put living my life on hold for so many years, for so many reasons and at times I didn't even realize I was doing so.

When I was younger I lived my life to try to please my parents, to try to earn their love. I did the things they wanted me to do. I thought some how that this would finally make them happy and then they'd love me.

When I got sick at 16 I put my life on hold again. I didn't go to parties, go out with friends much or date. I pushed guys away because I didn't think a guy could love a girl like me.

One of my biggest fears in dating has been that the guy I end up ultimately falling for won't be able to handle all my baggage. In talking with my therapist about dating and when to tell someone you're seeing that you're sick she brought up such a good point. I'm seeing things in a slightly different, clearer and better perspective.

I have this emotional tie to my baggage (which consists mostly of my health issues in relation to my fear of dating) but it's my emotional tie. I have this movie reel playing in my head everytime I think about having to tell a guy about my health. But the guy that I eventually end up trusting enough to let in won't see the movie reel, he won't feel the emotions I feel as I watch every scene. He won't feel the pain, he only knows what I tell him.

I've always thought my health issues would be enough to make a guy run away. got Only they won't, they are only making me want to run away.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.