It's always just been a house, never a home. My parents put a roof over my head growing up but I never felt comfortable and I never felt like I belonged. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I went to them with, I had somehow screwed up. So somewhere along the way, I stopped going to them it wasn't worth waiting to see what my next mistake would be in their eyes.
The friends who have become family. Nowhere has ever felt like home till now. And at first I have to say I thought the feeling was that I was scared to be alone, I thought it was pure loneliness. Leaving your house on Sundays and going home my apartment in the past was hard. The tears would start falling a little while after I got home.
I didn't understand why, I was so used to being alone. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad. It was this overwhelming feeling, like there was an elephant on my chest. It didn't make sense to me how I could be alone during the week and be absolutely fine. But coming home after spending the weekend with you guys I would feel so sad.
But I had also never had anywhere that felt like home. There wasn't a place where I could just be me, mistakes, flaws and all. There were never people who felt like family and treated me like family.
After taking the time to reflect on the situation, I realized it wasn't sadness from being alone. I was homesick. Your house is the first place that's felt like a home. It makes sense now. I'd never been homesick before because I never had anywhere that felt like home.
I'm thankful to have a place and people that feel like home. People I know I can run to when things get tough but also to share when things are good. Thankful for people who care about me, who won't judge me no matter what I do. Thankful for the moments I never had but am experiencing now.
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