Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.