Finding Inner Peace

I always used to say I just want to be happy. I must have said that to my counselor a hundred times, "I just want to be happy". Back then I thought the key to my happiness was to finally have a diagnosis so I could move on. (This was after I had been undiagnosed with MS.) I was so sure once I was diagnosed things would be fine then I'd be happy and life would be perfect. But boy was I wrong.

Since then I've learned that a diagnosis can't make me happy, neither will a relationship with a guy. I needed to make myself happy, to be happy with who I am. I needed to live for myself. I'm sharing this with you because you need to depend on yourself to make yourself truly happy. You need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by someone else.

Take sometime to do things for yourself, do something to make yourself happy. Be kind to yourself. It's better to be truly happy with  your "single" self than yourself while you are in a relationship. Don't use a relationship as a buffer to your happiness. Yes you deserve more than anything in the world to be happy, I'm not saying you don't but sometimes a relationship isn't the answer. You can't use a relationship/diagnosis or whatever it may be to make you happy. You can't go "searching" for happiness, because happiness isn't a material possession, it's not something you can own or hold or visually "see". It's more of a mental state, happiness lies within you.

Bedroom Re-do

This past August I decided that I wanted to turn my bedroom into a calming relaxing space for myself. My room at the time was a tropical blue and while blue is one of my favorite colors this particular blue didn't scream relaxing. Yes it was pretty but it was more bright and in your face. Over the last year or two I fell in love with different shades of grey. Therefore, I decided why not go with grey. It's subtle and calming, at least that's how I feel when I see the color.

I chose a darker grey as the color for an accent wall and went with a lighter grey for the rest of the walls. I really love cherry blossoms and thought what fun it would be to stencil. I found the perfect shades of grey and cherry blossom stencil, so off I went to begin my new project!

For me there is just something so relaxing about painting or any kind of hands on craft project.

Check out the before and after pictures!

 I took down the frame, cork-board and shelf. I replaced it with a decorative accent wall. The branches are the color grey of the lighter walls and the flowers are a crisp white. To draw in accents, I painted mason jars the color of the lighter walls, added some burlap and vintage cherry blossoms to tie in the stencil.

 I cleaned up this wall by removing the shelves and the hairband storage thing (I really have no idea what to call it).

I moved the bookcase from this wall to the accent wall and the jewelry armoire moved the wall I showed previously. This really gives my room a more open feel and now I have a great open space to do yoga or sit and read.

I LOVE mason jars. I used them through out the room as accents. Some I painted the lighter grey I used on the walls and used them as vases. Others I decorated with glitter and used as a candle. At first I used tea lights but they were too hard to light so I found the fake candles and you cant tell the difference. Plus the jars don't get hot that way.


I'm loving my new calming and relaxing space!

Craft Time!

If you haven't already realized I love using my creative side and I'm very thankful that I am creative!

We recently had a holiday party at work where we did a White Elephant gift exchange. I decided to make the gift I was contributing. We had a $5 limit and this is what I came up with because who doesn't love chocolate?

I printed out the sign, then taped the chocolate to the sign before putting it into the frame. It seemed to be a hit!













The next craft project I took on is one for the little girl I watch. Her mom has always painted her nails but just recently the little girl has gotten really excited and into having her nails done. I thought what better than to get her some of her own little nail polishes (for mom to hold onto for her) and some of those nail stickers for children. I wanted to present it in a cute way. My first instinct was a mason jar because I love mason jars but she is only three years old and unfortunately that's all glass. I tried to find a clear plastic makeup bag but had no such luck. Then I decided to literally walk up and down EVERY aisle in A.C.Moore, which was good because I found something to use yet so bad for my fatigue.

I decided to go with this clear plastic "paint can" that I found. I also bought some fabric paint and flower stickers to decorate and personalize the container with.

=

Here is the finished project!

 

I added some glittery tissue paper to the bottom of the container then added the nail polish it. All that is needed now is to find those nail stickers that I remember so fondly from when I was a child! 

I had so much fun decorating and personalizing it! I think she is going to be so excited when she opens it. Can't wait to see what project I decide to tackle next!

Stable

When you have MS, also known as Multiple Sclerosis, hearing that your MRI is stable is a good thing. At least it should be. But sometimes hearing that your MRI is stable can be just as hard as hearing that you have new lesions, sometimes harder.

This is one of the hardest roads I've ever been down. From the diagnosis of possible MS at 16, to the diagnosis of probable MS at 18, to the diagnosis of MS at 21 then being undiagnosed just before I turned 23. Then being told again that my diagnosis is probable MS six months later. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It's hard when you are having symptoms with no reason why. They say its from the MS but the MRI's don't show anything new. It's hard, frustrating and drive you crazy. At least it's driving me crazy.

I'm at the point of not wanting to see doctors anymore. I guess it's a good thing that my neurologist set my next appointment for next December unless I have changes and/or new symptoms. It's been a hard road but I don't see it getting any easier. I don't want new lesions but I would like some answers. Answers would be nice.

Are You Happy?

Today was one of those days, you know what I'm talking about. First of all, I wasn't supposed to work but I offered to go in and work part of the day. It was one of those days where you are going non stop all day long. You would think the first and main thought in my mind would have been I can't wait to leave work. It wasn't.

Yes today was crazy busy, but it was fun. I love my job, the environment, and the individuals I work with. It was busy and hectic but oh so productive. I love the feeling of accomplishment and knowing that I'm doing a good job. I love feeling like I'm adding and contributing to something that is bigger than myself. I think that's why I decided to go into the field of Education. Although my current position isn't a teaching, I don't think I could have found a better job as a stepping stone. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I was given with this position. I've grown and learned so much from this opportunity. I'm continuing to grow and learn each day.

 

It's going to be hard and sad to leave at the end of December but I'm enjoying the time I have left there. I love my life and I'm making the most out of all the opportunities that I have been given. 

There's no reason that you shouldn't love your life. There's no reason you shouldn't be happy at your job. I hope you love your job and it makes you smile, as much as mine does. If not, maybe you should look for one that makes you smile. One that you look forward to going to each day. One that you'd be sad to leave. 

Feelin' Crafty!

We all know how much I like to get my hands dirty, whether figuratively or literally. I took on the project of redoing my bedroom earlier in September, I wanted my room to have a more calming feel. I've been taking on various craft projects since then. I have to say one of my ultimate favorites is the floor poof, as they are called. Odd name if you ask me but it's comfortable, so I really don't care what it is called.

I spent only an hour and a half trying to pick out the perfect fabric. ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF?? Crazy, right? I thought so. I fell in love with this one shade of grey but they didn't have enough of the amount of it that I needed, so back to the shelves I went! Then I found this awesome leaf patterned fabric and another grey that matched it.

 

So with my fabric picked out and cut, I grabbed some needles, found thread to match, a zipper and two bags of plush filling; I was ready to check out.

I got home and although I had many other more important tasks to tackle I couldn't help but start to sew. Off I went, many hours(probably 3- the first day) and two days later I had a completed project. I'm so happy with the turn out. It's perfect, just what I was picturing, and it's just want I needed to just sit in my room to read or currently studying for the praxis!

Final Product

So happy with the final results!  So thankful for the crafty and creative side that I was given!

I ♥ Fall

It's not the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes and other pumpkin flavored items that make me love the fall so much. It's breaking out the unbelievably comfy clothes; the leggings, over-sized sweaters and shirts, scarves and boots. It's the chill feeling in the cool crisp air. The smell of the air, its different than any other time of the year. Although I love all those things, they aren't the best part.

What I love about the fall more than anything else is the fading green color of the leaves mixed with the vibrant yellows, oranges and reds. I love driving down a road that is full of trees on each side, seeing the mix of all the different colors. The leaves falling from the trees cascading down in this playful way. The way they flutter across the windshield as you drive, it's absolutely beautiful. I drove to and from Atlantic City on Thursday and Friday. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking, I wish I could have taken pictures of the view.

For me, fall is the most magical, gorgeous time of the year. 

 

I’m embracing the things I love.

 Now it’s your turn.

 

Things You Should Hear

I have a ton of friends who are in relationships. A few of those are in engagements. It's hard for me to understand why my friends have chosen to enter serious, long term relationships when they aren't treated as well as they should be.These are just some things that they should know:

1. You are allowed to do whatever you want, within limits of course. That's not to suggest cheating, or anything crazy.
2. If you make your own money, you are allowed to spend your own money however you want.
3. You are allowed to eat whatever you want.
4. You are allowed to watch whatever you want.
5. There are a thousand things I could say to you about what you are allowed to do, but I shouldn't have to tell you.
6. Most importantly, you are allowed to be you.

If any of these things, or something else that is equally outlandish, threaten to destroy your relationship maybe it's time to take a step back and really look at the big picture. I know you love him and he loves you but is this really love? I know that relationships require compromises but when you look at it, has he made any compromises for you? From this point of view it looks like you are making all of the compromises. Maybe I'm wrong.

My wish for you is that you could see what I see and that you don't have to change who you are. I hope that maybe I'm just not seeing the whole picture. My wish for you is that you are able to live your life the way you want to, without restraints. My wish for you is that you are happy.  Your family, and friends, love you and only want the best for you.

You deserve to live the life you want. You deserve more.

But if the life you want to live includes giving up things you love for your relationship and you are okay with that, then I'll be okay with it too. These are just some things I really thought you needed to hear.

Watch What You Say

I hear a lot oh you're so thin, you're so blessed. You're a size small, you're so lucky. I've heard these and many more comments made about my size. Yes I'm small and thin, it's a mixture of my body build and metabolism. I just really dislike when people bring up my weight or tell me that I need to gain weight or eat more. I eat, a lot. Yes at times I watch what I eat but it's mostly that I just want to eat healthy.

The thing is you never know what someone is struggling with. I could have an eating disorder or some other issue pertaining to my weight. That's the thing, you just don't know. I don't have an eating disorder or any other issue with my weight. But I do get bothered by comments that are made about my weight. I don't know why but I do. Maybe it's because I have trouble gaining weight and once I lose weight (unintentionally) it's very difficult for me to put it back on.

So I don't like the comments or remarks. You never know how something affects another individual. Sometimes it's meant as a compliment but honestly most of the time I don't feel blessed to be this thin. Be careful with what you say, you never know how your words can affect someone.

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

I Can't Just Walk Away

I don't know how to be just his friend. I've said it a thousand times that I just want him to be happy. If I'm not what he wants and what makes him happy then I want him to be with someone who makes him happy. 

But there's only one problem, that's so much easier said than done. I thought I could just be his friend and I would be fine with that. It's harder than it seems. Today he went shopping and sent me pictures of the stuff he was trying on..he wanted my opinion. He wanted to know how he looked in the stuff he picked out. Why me? Why not ask one of the other girls he is friends with? He looked so good in the clothes from the first picture he sent. I joked with him and asked if he had a hot date. I was almost hoping he would have said yes. I mean that would hurt probably a lot but it would make it a tad bit easier. I'll take a tad bit easier over nothing. 

I want to walk away and stop talking to him, but he has done nothing wrong. It's not his fault that I have these feelings that I can't make go away. He has always been there for me and he is truly a great friend. But part of me wants nothing more than to turn around and never look back but I can't just walk away from him. I care too much to do that. I guess that leaves me right where I am, hoping for these feelings to disappear.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well.