The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

It's Never Been Home Till Now

It's always just been a house, never a home. My parents put a roof over my head growing up but I never felt comfortable and I never felt like I belonged. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I went to them with, I had somehow screwed up. So somewhere along the way, I stopped going to them it wasn't worth waiting to see what my next mistake would be in their eyes.

The friends who have become family. Nowhere has ever felt like home till now.  And at first I have to say I thought the feeling was that I was scared to be alone, I thought it was pure loneliness. Leaving your house on Sundays and going home my apartment in the past was hard. The tears would start falling a little while after I got home.

I didn't understand why, I was so used to being alone. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad. It was this overwhelming feeling, like there was an elephant on my chest. It didn't make sense to me how I could be alone during the week and be absolutely fine. But coming home after spending the weekend with you guys I would feel so sad.

But I had also never had anywhere that felt like home. There wasn't a place where I could just be me, mistakes, flaws and all. There were never people who felt like family and treated me like family.

After taking the time to reflect on the situation, I realized it wasn't sadness from being alone. I was homesick. Your house is the first place that's felt like a home. It makes sense now. I'd never been homesick before because I never had anywhere that felt like home.

I'm thankful to have a place and people that feel like home. People I know I can run to when things get tough but also to share when things are good. Thankful for people who care about me, who won't judge me no matter what I do. Thankful for the moments I never had but am experiencing now.

To the Boy Who Tried

I was 24 and you were just trying to make me happy. I wasn't ready to be happy as silly as that sounds. I was living in a toxic environment just trying to hold myself together. Happiness wasn't on the horizon and survival was the only thing on my mind.

No one had ever put me first before themselves but you did and that didn't make sense to me. I see now that you were trying to live life with me. You were trying to give me life experiences, it was exactly what I didn't know I needed.

You spoke about the future and made plans for us but I was scared. There were so many factors in play.

I knew when you said you'd be there for me no matter what, that you meant it and that scared me too. No one had really been there for me before, not even people who were supposed to. So how could someone who hadn't known me that long, be there. But you were and you waited as long as you could.

And now what seems like a second chance might be possible in the future, at least that's what I hear from your friends. If I really have a second chance, I want my firsts to be with you. I don't want them to be with someone else but am I silly for waiting around for what might be? I'm already stuck on the what could have been. Should I really be jumping on the what might be wagon?

If I could do it all again, I wish I could say I'd make different decisions. But the decision to walk away from us and what we could have been was probably the best decision I could have made. I was so messed up and I'm not sure a relationship would have survived everything I was going through. If it did I may have just pushed you farther away, at least you are still in my life as a friend. I want you to be happy so I truly hope you're happy with her and that she treats you the way you should be treated. Because you are an amazing guy and you deserve the world.

I need to let you go, as much as I still want to hold on its time to let go. Everyone has regrets in their lives, you are my biggest regret.

It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

All the Ways that Matter

It's the moments in your life well my life in particular that I've never had before. A few months ago I wrote about how I wanted a mom. I wasn't crying for the biological one that I had, but I was longing for a mom. It's funny how life works. I have an "adopted" mom now and I'm getting the chance to experience moments I've never had before.

The "I love yous". The goofy smiles and laughter. Singing random songs and dancing in the kitchen. The big tight hugs. The good night, sleep tights before bed. The how did you sleep in the morning. Watching a show together at night just because we can. Sitting in the quiet morning silence with coffee and tea. 

Laughing at my mistakes because almost anything can be fixed. Sharing excitement for big life moments. 

It's the simple little acts. The acts that I've ever experienced, the things others may have taken for granted. Feeling loved just for being the person that I am, not having to try to fit into a mold and be someone else. Knowing I'm good enough as I am and that's an amazing feeling. When it comes down to it all, the experiences are really nice to have but I think it's the connection and bond that really make the experiences.

She may not have become a mom in the conventional sense that everyone thinks of but she's a mom in all the ways that matter most.  

Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

Water over Blood

People say that "blood is thicker than water" when referring to family and friends. But I wonder what makes blood better because in my case it isn't.

I've been thinking about the little things lately, the little things I've never had when it comes to the blood. Its the little things people take for granted. I have some of those things now and I'm a little scared to get used to them for the fear that they may disappear is strong. The support, hugs, and laughter. Sharing important moments with someone else.

Having a  safe place and person to run to when things get tough. The tight reassuring everything is going to be okay hugs. Never having to question whether I'm in inconvenience. Although I do slip frequently because I grew up as an inconvenience and it's hard to outgrow the thought that maybe not everyone views you that way. That some people actually want to be there for you, no strings attached.

I used to try to hide my fears and be a picture perfect person but perfection is over rated and my fears let me know I'm human. Isn't everyone? I have to say it's a lot more fun being imperfect than perfect. Mistakes give me room to grow and I know now I don't have to get everything right the first time around.

I'd take water over blood anyday, my friends who have become my family. The friends that love me unconditionally, no matter what choices I make. The friends I give my trust to and who have my trust in return.

Thank you for letting me be myself. For loving all of me including my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.