Too Little Answers & Questions Left Unanswered

I thought things would be easier after my diagnosis, I thought the first year would be the hardest just getting used to the fact that I had MS and adjusting to everything that meant. But that's nothing compared to this.

I never wanted MS, who does? I wanted answers and the diagnosis of MS gave me answers, all the answers I needed. Things finally made sense. I didn't fully accept the fact that I had MS because I don't think that's something you ever fully accept. But it's something you learn to live with because it means you're not crazy and what you are going through is real. It made everything seem okay. But now my diagnosis of MS is unsure and I'm left with no real answers.

In the past I've put my life on hold waiting for answers. I'm not going to do that anymore because I've realized I may never have definite answers. I may never have a definite diagnosis of MS, for now on it may always be a "possible MS" or it could be some other illness. All I know for sure is what I'm going through and my symptoms. I know those are real. It's still hard though, not having answers to my questions. At times I'd like nothing more than pretending like I'm fine and nothing's wrong but I can't. I may be tired of being sick and having no answers but I will make it through. One step at a time, even if my questions remain unanswered. This is just one twist in the road that I didn't expect.

I feel so broken. I keep thinking a lot about my counseling appointment on Wednesday. My counselor asked me what I liked about my Cognitive Psychology class the most. I liked everything about it but I really liked being able to apply things to myself. The first in particular meta-cognition, thinking about your thinking. I was tell her about this puzzle we had to solve in the beginning of the year and how I was too focused on parts of it that I couldn't see the whole thing. I realized in order to solve it I had to look at the whole thing.

Then we applied this to my life. She brought up a point that's kind of been stuck with me. I've been so focused on figuring out whats going on with parts of myself, I haven't looked at the whole picture. I've had problems with my central nervous system, my ovaries and menstrual cycle, had two organs removed (granted--I didn't really need them anyways) and some other things. I've always focused on making on part of my health better at a time but what if I going about it all wrong? What if it's not just my central nervous system....what if there's something wrong with me all around?

All or Nothing

I've never had a good relationship with my mom, well at least as far back as I can remember. And I can really only remember my time with her starting when I was in 5th grade. 5th grade happened to coincidentally coincide with the first time I realized my mom was an alcoholic. I never really felt like she was there for me.

Even now, it's like she only wants to be around for the happy stuff and when things get rough she can't be bothered. She shouldn't get the option to be around for just the good but for some reason she seems to. That's not fair to me, I don't get the choice to poof myself away when things get bad and simply enjoy the good. She has to be there to support me for the good and the bad. She has to be there for it all. But I don't think she can which doesn't seem to bother because she doesn't really support at all. So when it comes down to all or nothing. I think she already made her decision, as hard as a realization it is for me. I'm letting go of the fantasy of her being a real mom. Because she clearly chose nothing.

Well today a dipstick test revealed that I don't have a UTI. I was really wishing that this was all just a UTI but it looks like that isn't the case. I contacted my neurologist, I'm waiting to hear back. The words incontinence and urologist left my primary doctor's mouth. I'm doing all I can to deal with everything that's going on but things are so hard. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm reaching out for help but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I'm twenty-three this all feels so wrong.

And to top it off, my dad is in the hospital again and my mother is a basket case. She's yelling at me saying I don't do anything and everything falls on her, lies but whatever. I'm so sick of listening to her. I'm the one she turns to blame when things go wrong.

I'm tempted to push back my graduation date a semester. I know things aren't always perfect and there is always going to be rough patches but I'm just so stressed out. But then again whose says that the next semester will be any better. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired.

I'm 23 and going to bed at night hoping to make it through the night with NO accidents. That kinda puts things into perspective, just a little bit. Okay maybe A LOT. Here's to hoping this is just a UTI and nothing more serious.

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?
-Mine Would Be You by Blake Shelton

Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
I've been in stuck in a storm before
Felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared
Somehow I made it here
-The Sun Will Rise by Kelly Clarkson

Do you ever find a song and just listen to it as you walk? It feels like the soundtrack of your life. You can listen to it play and see your life unfolding with the words. Well these are mine, they seem to really fit my life lately. 

Hold on Tight

You know that bar in front of you when you're on a roller coaster that we seem to hold onto for dear life. It's almost like a safety blanket or the protective wall we put up. We hold on so tight when we are going up, coming down and being flipped upside down. But we tend to loosen our grip when we think the ride is leveling out for a while. 

I think that's when we need to hold on the most especially in life. But how do you decide when its okay to loosen the hold or make your walls a little thinner? Things change constantly and suddenly.  You may think all the twists and turns are gone but then there is a sudden flip that wasn't anticipated it came out of nowhere. So at what point do we decide that we feel safe enough to leave ourselves open to the unknown? How do we know we are truly strong enough for that? I know we will always need a sense of security because we always need a little something, a little reassurance. Maybe its just taking the risk and if you happen to get flipped upside down, you take things as they come. You know you will survive, you just might not be okay right away but eventually you will be. So do we continue to hold on tight forever? Or do we decide to loosen our grip and manage through the ups and downs?