I decided that I wanted to go off the SSRI or anti-depressant that I'm currently on. I have no reason really besides that I feel like I don't need it anymore and I had to contact my counselor and psychiatrist to see if I could stop/go off of the medication. Of course questions had to be asked like how I'm feeling and why I want to go off the medication.
The only answer I could give is that I just feel like I don't need it anymore. It's not that I don't have other answers because I think I do. I just I don't want to have to find another counselor and psychiatrist to go to. I'm not ready to open my life up to someone else. But then maybe that's not true maybe I've just accepted the past and I'm ready to move on.
What I do know now is that I'm anxious as anything about the situation. I'm not sure I'm ready to answer the questions to come.
August 28, 2014
August 08, 2014
The Decision Is Yours
You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.
Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.
I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.
I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.
Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.
I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.
I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.
August 07, 2014
"Jess, do you have a boyfriend?" That's a question I get a lot. I do mean A LOT. My answer is no, I don't have a boyfriend. Maybe I'm picky or have too high of standards. At least that's what I started to think, that was until this weekend.
Who cares if I'm picky or have standards, I'll date someone when I meet someone worth dating. I'm not some piece of meat I'm a person. A guy made me really realize that this weekend when he whistled at me and said hellloooooo. Excuse me...really? Don't whistle at me, I don't care what's going through your mind about me. Don't whistle at me or any other inappropriate gesture. It's rude and I deserve so much better than that.
So no I don't have a boyfriend. I have yet to meet someone who treats me right. When I do meet that person, then maybe I'll be able to say yes, I do have a boyfriend his name is xxxx. Until then I'm going to enjoy being single and continue loving who I am.
Who cares if I'm picky or have standards, I'll date someone when I meet someone worth dating. I'm not some piece of meat I'm a person. A guy made me really realize that this weekend when he whistled at me and said hellloooooo. Excuse me...really? Don't whistle at me, I don't care what's going through your mind about me. Don't whistle at me or any other inappropriate gesture. It's rude and I deserve so much better than that.
So no I don't have a boyfriend. I have yet to meet someone who treats me right. When I do meet that person, then maybe I'll be able to say yes, I do have a boyfriend his name is xxxx. Until then I'm going to enjoy being single and continue loving who I am.
"Being single only means that you are patient enough to wait for someone you deserve and who really deserves you."
August 01, 2014
Live to be Happy
This summer has been about living for me and doing things for ME. No matter how little, silly or simple those things might seem. Last week I bought a new lip "color" it's somewhere between a lipstick and a lip gloss. I'm in love with the color, it's something little like that, those little things make me happy.
As of Tuesday I'm on leave of absence from school for the fall semester. I didn't pass my Praxis so I can't student teach this fall but it's going to be okay. I'm going to pass the test and in the mean time I'm going to study my butt off and sub.
I've been doing a lot of growing and discovering who I am this summer. I'm even thinking of redoing my room...I'm really just thinking of changing the color to something calming and relaxing but it's something I'm doing for ME. I'm really loving the ME I'm discovering and uncovering. And all I'm doing is letting myself be myself. I'm no longer letting myself be defined by the person that everyone else wants me to be.
I think that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Be the person that you want to be, not the person the world wants and expects you to be. Live for you and to make yourself happy.
As of Tuesday I'm on leave of absence from school for the fall semester. I didn't pass my Praxis so I can't student teach this fall but it's going to be okay. I'm going to pass the test and in the mean time I'm going to study my butt off and sub.
I've been doing a lot of growing and discovering who I am this summer. I'm even thinking of redoing my room...I'm really just thinking of changing the color to something calming and relaxing but it's something I'm doing for ME. I'm really loving the ME I'm discovering and uncovering. And all I'm doing is letting myself be myself. I'm no longer letting myself be defined by the person that everyone else wants me to be.
I think that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Be the person that you want to be, not the person the world wants and expects you to be. Live for you and to make yourself happy.
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