I've been wondering a lot about what age we start storing our memories. Mostly because I don't really remember much from before 3rd grade and I was already 9 or 10 by then. So where did all those memories go? I remember some stuff about my family and friends but that's about it and it isn't much.

I'm mainly wondering about this because I was trying to remember how my mom was before. From about the time I was in 5th grade (so I was about 11 or 12) I grew up with an alcoholic mother. That's the way I remember her as an alcoholic, as drunk and acting crazy. Those aren't the greatest memories to have of a mother. It's probably one of the reasons I don't have the kind of relationship I want to have with her and why I can't forgive her from everything she put me and my family through. I just wish I had better memories of her.

Accepting a Realization

I had an appointment with another MS specialist and he wasn't quick to say you definitely have MS or you definitely don't have MS. Both of which I thought it would be incredibly hard to hear. What he did say though was that he didn't want to throw out MS because I meet some of the criteria but not all of it. Those criteria including the lesions on my brain, my spinal tap abnormality and my symptom (even as non-specific). He said that MS cannot be ruled out because he can't say for sure that it won't turn into MS and he wants to be cautious with me because of my family history of MS.

I was scared as anything for this appointment. I tried my best to "back out", I even tried bribing my best friend who went with me to the appointment. I'm glad that she didn't cave in and that she was there to help me through it. I was scared to hear what he had to say, scared that he would dismiss me, and just plain scared in general. But leaving that appointment I didn't feel the wave of overwhelming emotion that I thought I would. I won't say I was in complete shock because in a way I kind of went in there expecting the worse but I was calm after my appointment. I didn't feel the need to cry afterwards like I had with my appointments with the other MS specialist. I thought I would breakdown if I had to leave one more doctors office with an unknown diagnosis or unknown cause of my symptoms. Maybe because this doctor is taking things seriously even though he hasn't diagnosed me. Maybe because he has recognized my symptoms and isn't just tossing them completely away. Maybe because he did recognize that something is going on. It could be all those reasons plus others. He did tell me to just go on living on my life.

I'm not going to lie that worried me a bit. I thought so he wants me to just go on living my life without being on a treatment and the only way I'm going to get a diagnosis is if there are more lesions on my next MRI or if I get worse. Then something in my mind changed, I stopped looking at the worst case scenario. I might never have more lesions on my MRI and I might never get worse. Two aspects that I didn't think to look at before because I was always trying to prepared myself for the worst. So while I could get worse which would probably lead me to a diagnosis, I could also stay the same and I've been living with these symptoms for so long what's the difference.

What I wasn't expecting was to feel good leaving his office and in an odd way I did feel good. Maybe I was just ready to accept that I might never have answers after months and months of working on it. I might owe that one to my counselor who helped me through it all. We worked hard on trying to get me back into the good place I was in before I heard the first MS specialist say "I'm not sure you have MS". Maybe it was this appointment along with all the work we did in counseling that helped me get back on track.

In the end I'm just happy that it happened because I do feel so good (even though I'm experiencing symptoms). I'm feeling more positive that I'm where I need to be, I'll move on with my life (keeping track of my symptoms) but I know that if anything does happen I have a great support system of doctors and individuals ready to help me.

“When everything seems like it’s falling apart that’s when God is putting things together just the way he wants it.”

Closure

Yesterday I went out with an old friend, whom I used to have really strong feelings for. Yes, I care for him now as a friend as I always have but I once cared for him on a deeper level. Yesterday, helped me to close a door that I once believed was available, the door to an "intimate" relationship with him. It also helped me to open the door to having a good and lasting friendship with him, I am so thankful for that. I'm looking forward to opportunities to meet new people and renewing this old friendship.