I'm overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I'm not even sure I want to go but I feel like I have to. I feel like I owe this to myself. I feel like I owe it to myself not to give up.

But in doing that I think I'm hurting myself. Going through this is killing me. I have so many thoughts running through my head I can't sort them out. I'm upset and making absolutely no sense.

What do you do when what you feel you need to do, is ultimately the thing that has the most power to destroy you? But at the same time how do you not go through with this? How do you stop fighting for answers that will help you health-wise?

It's been a really bad week and there has been lots of cry and I do mean lots. I didn't see any of this coming, I was completely blindsided.

When I switched doctors in October I didn't expect be knocked down a couple of pegs, sort of speak. I expected to get off the medication I was on because I was barely functioning on it, which I was taken off of. However, I didn't expect to hear that I might not have MS. Shocker right? I thought so. I've seen that doctor two more times since then not including my most recent appointment.

Let's fast forward to five months later to this week. I had gotten two follow up MRI's last week. This past Tuesday I had a follow up appointment, I had expected answers I didn't really care what the answers were as long as they were answers. The words that left his mouth were really unexpected along with his horrible attitude. He didn't seem to care that I'm a person and that this is something that is effecting my life. It wasn't hard to hear him say it's possible MS. But when I asked him if he didn't think it was MS what did he think it could be hearing him say didn't know was hard. What was even harder was when I asked well if it's not MS where do I go from here? That response hit me the hardest, well you should go to your primary doctor to see if they can figure it out. (Oh but he still wants to see me in 6 months and another MRI in a year.) None of this makes sense.

In a way it feels like I'm starting over. I think I need someone to look at this situation with a clean perspective. I have an appointment to go see my primary doctor, to I guess get her opinion and see if there is anything she suggests.

I'm just really struggling with this whole situation and the tears have been very present. I'm trying to stay strong it is just really hard right now. I just keep thinking what happens now, what's next?

Truths

I just can't handle this anymore.
I'm not sure I will be okay, physically, maybe; mentally, I think so; but emotionally, no.
I think I'm giving up or I'm really close to it.
I'm beginning to question everything.
I know I'm not crazy but sometimes it feels like that.
This makes no sense anymore.
I've never been so confused.
I want something normal.

Jess, Where are you?

When I was 16 all I had wanted were answers, I mean who wouldn't? But I didn't receive a diagnosis then.

Looking back at that time in my life I'm so happy that I hadn't received my diagnosis at 16. Don't get me wrong I'm strong and was really strong for a 16 year old especially all the stuff that had been thrown at me. I just don't think I would have been able to handle it.

I received my diagnosis at 21 then a month before my 23rd birthday, I received a shocking surprise from a new doctor. He was doubting the diagnosis I had been given, he still is. I haven't been feeling as strong as I once was. It's been the hardest period of time for me. I guess I'm searching for that 16 year old girl, where did all her strength go...could it be all used up?