Letting Go...

Today is ONE year since I was diagnosed with MS. I didn't let myself feel anything one year ago today. I acted like I was fine with everything but I wasn't. I pushed everything I was feeling aside, like maybe it would go away or something but I'm pretty sure that was just the denial. I had wanted answers so badly but couldn't handle what those answers really meant.

Well I wanted to make sure that today I could feel whatever I needed to feel. I would let myself laugh and cry. And just be me. I wanted to do something to release the disappointment I had in myself for not being able to "accept" this diagnosis in a years time. So today I did something just for me. I got 4 orange balloons, yeah that's right orange the MS color. I wrote all over the balloons. Positive sayings and just how I was feeling over the last year. I wrote how I'm going to be okay and that MS is not going to break me. I wrote about how I'm strong, crazy and how I haven't given up when there where so many times that I wanted to but I didn't. I kept going. I got back up when I fell. I wrote what I now believe is my motto: I refuse to sink, MS might change the way I do things but I will not let MS define me!

This has been one of the hardest years of my life but I made it through. I didn't do it alone I had lots of help. I was so quick to try planning and putting time limits on being okay and accepting MS. I promised myself that in a year I would be okay with having MS and everything would go back to normal. I was so disappointed in myself for breaking the promise I made to myself. But with the help of an awesome counselor, I know that it's okay that I haven't accepted this diagnosis yet and just moved on with my life like I thought I should. (My last should.) She taught me that everything can't be planned and that's okay. She helped me believe that I am strong and that I will get through this. She believed in me, helped me grow and showed me that it's okay to cry. I'm so grateful for that.

I also had some amazing friends helping me along the way. Some friends near but some very far away. But the distance didn't matter because they were always there for me like I hope to be for them. They listened to me cry and complain. They reassured me that things would be okay. They made me laugh till my face and stomach hurt when they knew I needed to laugh. I'm not sure what I would do without them.

 I officially embarked on this journey one year ago today but I think I've really been on this journey my whole life. It's not a new journey or even a new story just a change or added chapter in my life. A hard chapter. I know things won't be easy, nothing in life ever is but I'm up for the challenge. I'm even up for the change and boy do I hate change. But that's okay because I've grown so much this year and I know I can handle the change. I'm not going to give in to the unknown although at times I know I will want to. I know there are going to be times that I just want to cry because things seem so bad but that's okay. So what. I'll cry and grow from the experience. It can only make me stronger.


 Today I released so many emotions but those emotions have helped open my eyes. I truly believe that things will be okay and that this MonSter will not break me or my spirit.I can honestly say I'm proud of myself and the person I've grown to be today. I'm not so disappointed in myself because even though I broke one promise to myself I kept so many other silent unspoken promises I made to myself. I never gave up and I'm doing all I can to deal with this. I'm not hiding, I'm facing it. I'm not running anymore. I'm facing reality, no more unrealistic goals or promises, no more disappointment. This girl will eventually be okay. I've confronted my feelings not pushed them away. I'm ready to start accepting the diagnosis of MS or at least the process of trying to. Things might not be perfect but that's okay with me now. I'm living my life with imperfections.


Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me this last year and helped me through. It means so much to me.

Below is a video of me "letting go of my disappointments in myself and showing MS it won't bring me down" or "letting go of the balloons". LOL