Disappointment

I felt like I had five years to prepare for the diagnosis of MS. I was 16 when everything started, then went back to see my neurologist at 21. I knew what I was facing the minute I went back to the neurologist after hiding for 2 years thinking things would just go away.

I knew that going back meant the possibility of being diagnosed with MS. A year ago I thought that's what I wanted. Well not necessarily a diagnosis but answers. I wanted answers so bad. Answers that would show I'm not crazy. I made a silly stupid promise to myself. A promise I should have known wasn't realistic.

I promised myself that I would be okay after a year. Before I was even diagnosed, I told myself no matter what happens, even if I receive a diagnosis of MS things will be okay in a year. I was stupid to put a time limit on grieving and acceptance of something that feels so much bigger than me at times. I know it's not but sometimes it feels like that. I've been so disappointed in myself lately. Mostly for breaking my promise to myself. I just wish I could magically make everything okay. It's funny I thought I was so ready I just wanted answers but I wasn't thinking about everything that came along with those answers.

Everything became so real and overwhelming. I used to feel so alone in all of this but I know I'm not I have awesome friends that understand exactly what I'm going through. I'm so grateful for them.

As I write this the year deadline I gave myself is approaching fast. I'm trying to push that under the rug. I'm trying not to be so disappointed in myself because even though I broke this one promise to myself I kept so many other silent unspoken promises I made to myself. I never gave up and I'm doing all I can to deal with this. I'm not hiding, I'm facing it. I'm not running anymore. I'm facing reality, no more unrealistic goals or promises, no more disappointment. This girl will eventually be okay.