June 6th 2012

That's a date, I don't think I will ever forget. I was diagnosed with MS that day. I remember sitting in the exam room staring at the posters of brains on the white walls, just waiting for the doctor to come in. I was ready for the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, but deep down I was hoping and praying that it wasn't but it was.

I remember sitting there as my neurologist told me that one of the levels  that they look at for MS turned up positive on my Spinal Tap...it was higher then it should be which indicated MS. That plus all the other criteria I fit gave me the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I sat there brave holding back the tears and pushing them out of sight as my doctor went through more information with me, like the memory test I had. He went on to talk about the specialists I would have to see and the medication I would have to pick out.

I felt like I was in that room forever, at least it felt like it was longer than usual. I remember leaving and making an appointment to come back. The car ride with my dad as he drove me to work was so quiet. I told him that he could tell my mom, he tried to tell me everything was going to be okay. I said something along the lines of "I know, I was expecting this. I'm fine dad I knew this was coming." I'm pretty sure that was just the shock talking and that I would wake up tomorrow, leaving this all behind as a bad dream.

I was my brave strong self that day. I think mostly because that's all I knew how to do. I was so used to having to be strong. I guess it just comes naturally. I kinda wished I cried that day or allowed myself to feel something. The months that followed were frustrating and hard but I continued to put on a strong front.

It took somewhere around 3-5 months before it hit me, I finally broke down and cried. I've cried a lot since then most of the time I'm not even sure why. Mostly for the life I thought I was going to have, the life I had dreamed of. But everything feels different now, somehow changed..kind of like a change in the batting line up.

10 months give or take have passed since that day. I kept telling myself you just need to get through the first year and then everything will be okay. In one year you will be okay with all of this and life will go back to normal. Well in 2 months it will be a year since I was diagnosed and I know I will NOT be okay with all of this. I kept thinking somehow it would be easier after a year had passed. But things aren't going to be easier and my life will never go back to the normal I pictured. I will always have this disease and I will always be on medication. I know that's not the end of the world and that someday I will be okay and accepting of this. I just don't see that happening anytime soon.

I'm realizing this isn't something that can be planned out. I always had a plan for my life and now it just seems like I'm winging things.But I've had help and I'm realizing that I'm not so alone and that I don't always have to be strong. That I just need to give myself the time that I really need and throw again the plan I had mapped out. And I really need to let myself feel and not just block everything out.