Just a part of My Story

So here's the thing. I found this picture, it's a stupid silly picture..I don't even look good in it but whatever.

Its from the day after my 21st birthday..I was on a train headed into the city to celebrate my 21st birthday with people I considered my best friends at the time.  Funny thing is I dont talk to any of them anymore but that's not the point.  Exactly one month before this picture was taken I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. So this was my first big night out after that surgery and I kinda thought this is where my life is really going to start. Here and now. 

Fast forward a couple months and I'm back sitting in a doctors office I never thought I'd have to return to. Boy was I really wrong. Because if you fast forward another 5 months I'm having a spinal tap and a couple weeks after that I'm sitting back in that same doctor's office waiting to be called into another examination room that had become so familiar to me. That day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The months following my diagnosis are a blur.  But they involved more specialists and tests. Even a training nurse because I would have to give myself injections. 

Now here I am wondering what happened and why. I kinda thought my life would go back to normal whatever that is. 

As I sat in the waiting room today waiting to be called in to have a ct scan for a lump I found I realized nothing is ever going to be "normal".  At least not the normal that is floating around in my head. Maybe life isn't supposed to normal or easy, I can't help but to worry. Because this "lump" I found is an enlarged hardened lymph node. It's easy to ignore the small stuff like it's probably just an infection or inflammation. But in the not so far part of my mind, I can't help but over react.

You see I'm the person that plans everything out, I'm the person that has to be prepared for anything. So when my specialist told me I might need to have a needle biopsy and that if it comes out benign then I don't need surgery right away. I can't help but think what happens if it's not an infection or inflammation. Even worse, what happens if it's not benign. It's either one thing or another, it's one of those things that black and white..there are no shades of grey in this case. So if it's not benign that could only mean one thing..that it is malignant. The c word--Cancer. 

I can't help but wonder if it is the big C what happens next. I feel as though my life will be put on hold again but I don't want it to be. Even though I find myself stopping my life currently because of something that may or may not be. I find myself saying don't worry or think about it..everything will be okay. But what if I want to worry, even just a little bit to maybe prepare myself. Is it better to over react and have things be totally fine..or not worry and get a huge surprise?

I would choose the first. Who knows if there is a right answer, I certainly don't. So I think I might just over react just a little bit because I'd rather be prepared and have things be absolutely fine then be stunted and presented with a huge whammy. I guess my point was..that day I saw my life going a completely different way then where I am now. No one really knows whats going to happen.