Somethings Wrong

After three years of a non-stop headache, numbness, dizzyness, what felt like a hundred doctors appointments and medical tests I can't help to feel like something is still wrong. Although the headaches have gone, I still have the occasional one. Sometimes I still have the occasional numbness and dizzyness too. But that's not what worries me. It's the not remembering. It's not being able to do things that have never given me problems before. It's that I say one thing and write another. It's that I go to write the word lesson and that I know how to spell it but stop after less. Not realizing till a few minutes later that I never finished to word. It's that I can't add or multiply simple things quick anymore. I'm tired all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm a planner and a preparer. It's what I do. I google and research. I get background information to prepare myself for what's next. I like having my day planned out and knowing where I am going to be at what time. I like agendas and schedules. I like playing by the book and routines. I don't like change no matter how little or miniscule the change is. I hate that the changed the coloring of my chapstick, it's stupid I know but it's change.

You're in the hospital, there might be something going on with your heart. I'm not sure. I can't talk to anyone about it because your wife doesn't like to talk about it. She just ignores everything. The people I would normal turn to don't know so I can't talk to them either. This whole secrets & lies thing it's not working for me.

So things are kind of at a stand still. I'm not sure where to go from here. What to do, what to say, how to feel. I really just want you to be home and be okay. I hate waiting. It's always the worst part, I should know I've waited a lot. And it's funny how I'm the one that's most used to this. The one that finds stuff like this normal, which is sad. The worst part is that I'm the one that handles these things the best but it hurts me the worst. Your wife is useless when it comes to this. She should be comforting us. She should be the one holding things together, the one being strong. But somehow it's me instead. I wish things were different.

The Stress of My Family is Killing Me

Yesterday my dad calls me at school. Because he got a quote for a transmission for me so the total for the transmission plus labor is $1600. I told him I wasn't ready to get it fixed because I would be spending all my money and have nothing left. He told me that's life and that I was being ungrateful. Then he yelled at me and was like all I do is try and help you and all you do is nix me off. I was like I'm sorry but I'm not ready. So he basically threaten me and said you either make the decision by tonight to get your car fixed or I'm giving it to your brother.

Meanwhile, he calls my aunt to ask her to talk to me and feeds her a completely different story. So she calls me like 7 hours later to talk to me. Meanwhile, this is all happening when I'm on campus. So now I'm upset again, because my dad told her that he got a notice from the town that they were gunna fine us or tow my car if it didn't get registered soon. So now I'm crying for the second time. I go to my last class for the night get home around 9:30. Talk to my dad, get things straightened out. Things seem fine again.

Then a few hours ago, my dad calls the house from work asks my brother to call my mom and ask her to stop at his work on the way home. She stops in and is in a bad mood from work. He tells her that he doesn't feel good, he is dizzy, has dry heaves and pressure on his chest. She blows him off because she had a bad day. So he gets home a little while ago and he's pissed off at her.

I guess he wanted to go to the ER but she was an ass and completely ignored him. Well now he wont go and I'm getting upset because first of all he's sick. Second of all, he has a history of heart problems. But now he's being stubborn because she blew him off. Like seriously, I wish the both of them would grow the f up. Now I'm stressed out because I don't want anything to happen to him because i would die if I was left with my mother and my brother. Because no matter what I do in her eye's I'm always wrong. My brother is perfect. I just really wish he would go. I'm just really upset now and stressed. Ugh, so much for having a productive night of homework. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to deal with this.

The first week is always the hardest. Getting used to being alone again, the constant nagging and yelling. Going from being treated like an adult to being treated like you're five. Going from being someone that you want around to being an inconvenience. The constant nit picking. The realization that hits me everytime that I realize I will never be liek your son, that I will never be good enough and that I will always be a disappointment. That I will never be good enough in your eyes. The fact that no matter if something happens to me it's no big deal but if something happens to him, the world will come to complete stop. You say I have to give a little, I'm giving so much. You're not giving at all. As much as it hurts to say this some times I wish I wasn't here.

Today in my education class, we were asked to think about why we wanted to become teachers and if it was because a teacher or teachers had made an impact in our lives. I realized that not everyone has had the chance to have a teacher that has made a difference or impact in their life. I am so grateful to have had such amazing teachers in my life. I hope that I can follow by the example they gave me and someday be just like them.

Growing up and going through school, especially middle school and high school I didn't worry about the same things most kids did. While most middle schoolers were trying to fit in with the popular crowd and going to their first dances. I was worrying about laundry and making sure no one found out that my mom wasn't really visiting her parents, that she was in rehab for alcohol. In those moments, I decided I was never going to drink. I was not going to end up like her.

High School was similar. While my friends were going to the movies, dances, and the mall. I was going to doctors offices, imaging centers, and hospitals. I sent my time worrying about what test I would need next, instead of which dance was coming up and buying new dresses. I missed out on normal high school activities.

But what is normal really? Did I really miss out on that much? It feels like it, I feel like I lost so many years that I'm never going to get back.

I live through music, the words and lyrics more than often define me and what I'm going through.

My Top Six Songs (atm-in no particular order) are:

1. Get Out of This Town- Carrie Underwood
   Got it all figured out inside of my head
   There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
   You say the word, baby I'm all set
   We'll cover our tracks
   Tell a couple white lies
   Make sure we got a good alibi
   And by the time they catch on
   We'll be outta there sight
   Long gone baby
   
   
   
2. Not Your Cinderella- Payton Rae
   I don't know if I believe in love at first sight
   I think it might need just a little more time
   To grow and be real
   
   
   
3. Hide Your Matches - Julianne Hough
     'Cause I could spark like thin white paper wrapped tight 'round some cigarette
   And leave nothing but the smell of smoke and the bitter taste of regret
   Or I could get hot like them coals that turn the water into steam
   And fall down around you like some misty morning
   You better hide your matches boy
   
   
   
4. Reality- Kenny Chesney 
    Reality, yeah, sometimes life
   Ain't all that it's cracked up to be
   So let's take a chance and live this fantasy
   'Cause everybody needs to break free from reality
   
   
   
5. That's Where It Is- Carrie Underwood
   When we feel that rush, that's where it is
   It's a life time filled with tight embraces
   The biggest things in the smallest places
   
   
   
6. Life Is Good- Brittini Black
   

Cooking with my aunt is always a fun time. Homemade pasta and sauce. It's days like these that I love the most. Simple days.

I like cooking. Random car rides to random or even simple places. I have the most fun when I'm with my aunts. That's when I'm truly my happiest. My parents don't listen but someday they will wish they had. My favorite color is blue. I'm a scorpio. If I could go live as an Amish person for a day, week, or any period of time I would. I'm awkward. Dating is not my strong suit. I have an old soul.

"In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar."
-Unknown

Something Bigger

A movement of a pen, the stroke of a brush; these things are the start of something new. Maybe even something big. To an artist these movements and strokes could make or break a piece of art. But to those of us that are not artists they mean very little, that is until a movement or stroke changes our lives. Our movements or strokes of life just pile up on top of each other until they become something more. Maybe it's time to start paying attention to the little movements, maybe they will lead somewhere bigger. But somewhere bigger that you want them to go.

You think I would have learned by now. I wish I would have learned by now. But I haven't because for whatever reason I believe in second chances, thirds and fourths. That ends now. Because now I'm just disappointed in you. I didn't want to believe you and the words you spoke. But they were so strong and you said them like you actually meaned them. So I ignored my brain and followed my feelings. And that only left me hurt and disappointed. More in myself then in you but still, it was there. I don't understand how you can say the things you said so freely and meaninglessly. How you can keep things going that are just a charade. Was it just a game to you? See if you can get the girl even if you didn't want her but make her believe you do? I really just want answers but I know I'm not getting them. But what I do know is there won't be a fifth and you've ruined my trust in guys. So thanks for that.

Some Randoms..

My eyes tear all the time because of the change in temperature. Lists make me feel better. I hate being told that I'm just like my mother. I'm nothing like her. I have a passion for photography and love capturing moments. My name is Jess but some know me as Summer. 9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) means I love you in my language. I love writing whether to get my feelings out or to get lost in another world or story where everything works out in the end, not a lot of people in the field of math can say that. Nine tens out of ten I'm doubting myself. I count my lucky stars that I have had such amazing teachers in my life. One in particular, who has been there for me through thick and thin. I don't think I'd be where I am today without her. Pick-up trucks down an old back road in the middle of summer make me smile. I love french manicures. If I could live anywhere in the world it would be a toss up between New York City and Tennessee, total opposites I know. But it's who I am. My life isn't perfect, neither am I but I not sure I would trade it for anything.