Swept under the Rug

You say that I've pushed you away and shut you out. You say that you've done nothing to deserve that. Maybe that's partially true but think of how I grew up. Think about almost everything you both have ever said to me. Bruises go away and maybe easier to forget but I never had actual bruises. Words hurt just as much and are harder to forget. For me, the words are burned into my head and memory. And unforunately with the messed up memory I have, I actually remember everything you've ever said to me.

I remember you both telling me how bad drugs and alcohol were. I went through the Dare program at school. The next night she put me and my friend in the car and drove under the influence to the liquor store to get another bottle. I didn't realize until she had come out of the store and gotten into the car that she was drunk. It wasn't until she started throwing things from the front seat into the back seat where we were sitting. I remember going home that night and he was home when we got there. He yelled a lot and you guys fought.

I remember getting my period for the first time. I remember calling for her and her asking if it was important. I said yes. Her asking Jess is it really that important? I said no that time because I realized in the moment, I would never be more important than the bottle. I went through my first and every period since on my own.

I remember the yelling everytime she got drunk. I remember the day after aunt phyl's wedding, she had fallen off the wagon again. I got home from hanging out with a friend and had hid her car keys because that's what I was supposed to do. But I got frustrated and was tired of dealing with a drunk mother, so I put them in an area where I knew you'd look for them. I don't remember where it was but you found them. You told me you were driving to aunt phyl's that everyone was hanging out up there. But I stayed home because I knew you were drunk and I wasn't putting myself in the car with you. I think part of me hoped you would be in an accident, that maybe you would finally learn your lesson. You made it there safe but somehow you driving drunk, me letting you go was my fault.

That started your time in rehabs. We had to pack the next day, he brought us up to aunt phyl's and we were taken back to maine with aunt ria. We were there for at least a month. I remember even when we came back to New Jersey, we had to stay at Nana's we weren't allowed home. I remember finally being allowed home and a few days later you guys bought a dog. I laugh now because did you think that was going to solve all the problems? She fell off the wagon a few days later, saying she couldn't stay here. She were called someone to pick her up and take her back to rehab.

I remember my teacher being more supportive and reassuring the day before I went for my first spinal tap. I was only 16. When I needed you most, when I needed you to be parents and be supportive you couldn't. I remember leaving the hospital and wanting to stop by the school. Looking back now, I think school was my safe place and I knew I wasn't going to be there for the next week. I wanted to stop so bad, I know how silly and unrealistic that is. I remember having to be the adult and staying strong through every test I had to have.

I remember being upset about something that day, I can't remember what though. But your response was that it wasn't fair to Ant. He was always having to stay at friend's houses on school nights. Only honestly, I think he was getting the better part of the deal. I was constantly in testing centers, having mris, eeg's, ekg's, mra's, etc. That day I was having a spinal tap. But somehow it wasn't fair to him.

I remember laying in aunt a's bed pretending to still be asleep as she talked to someone on the phone. I remember her saying "Anthony is being committed in the hospital. Sue found him running a knife up and down his arm threating to kill himself." I remember waking up that morning and her telling me that you were in the hospital because of your heart. Only I knew it was a lie, you guys were always trying to keep things from me. Funny how you tried to hide everything from me but always kept my younger brother in the loop.

I remember the first time I got in a car with all of you. I was at least a quarter of a mile if not further away from the red light, I still had plenty of time to slow down and break. I wasn't even going that fast. Instead of keeping quiet or saying something encouraging, all three of you started yelled at me. I ran over a no turns sign.

I started crying even though I knew better not to cry because that's a sign of weakness. I put the car into park. you got out the passenger seat to check the damage and I hopped into it. I was done driving. You guys yelled at me some more. That was the first and last time I drove on my permit until I had to take my test.

I remember the time I pulled up to the house to find 3 cop cars and an ambulance. You had texted your sister threatening to end your life and she called 911. I walked into the house scared of what I would find. Were you alive or dead? You were rocking back and forth on the couch. You were saying that you were done, that it was time. You went into the hospital again but this time I knew why, you guys couldn't hide it from me. But again this time I was the only one not allowed to see you. I felt like you trying to kill yourself was my fault.

I remember the time the guy rang the doorbell serving an eviction notice we had a month before the bank foreclosed on the house. You told me not to worry about it and wouldn't tell me what was going on. But how do you not worry about something like that. For a month I  was in a state of panic wondering how fast I could the stuff I really needed into my car if I had to. I remember wondering if I should just have stuff packed just in case.

I remember never being good enough. Getting yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink that weren't mine. Getting yelled at for being selfish. Never being able to live up to what your son does. I remember saying to myself that I'm sorry you got stuck with a daughter as screwed up as me. I'm sorry that no matter what I do, nothing I do is right. I'm sorry I can't be the picture perfect person that you want me to me.

I remember you telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me and that we don't always get everything that we want. Honestly, did you think I didn't know that. Did you really think I wanted to be living my life sick for so many years like I had. If anyone knows how unfair life is it's me. But I also know that world doesn't revolve around me and I don't expect it to.

I remember having to watch what I said to both of you so that I wouldn't upset you. But neither of you ever seem to have to watch what you said to me. Like when you told me there was nothing the doctor was ever going to be able to do to help me. Maybe you said it out of anger but still you said it and never said sorry. Don't think about even saying it now, it's too late.

You guys have never really listened to me and any time I've tried to explain myself you've said you don't want to hear the excuses. So when you say I've shut you out in an questioning way, I just say I'm sorry you feel that way or I stay quiet. I know you don't really want an explanation because to you it will be nothing more than an excuse. Like this list of all the things I remember would be nothing more than a list of excuses to you, and there are so many more.

But everything you've ever done or said to me you've acted like it never happened. Just like the alcoholism and suicide attempts were swept under the rug like they never existed either.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or even just love me. But I'm done now and I have been, I'm living for me and making the decisions I want to make.

Honestly, I don't even want to be around either of you. I still need space. I need to just be able to be me without having to worry about either of you or what either of you think. I'm happy right now and trying to work through things from the past. Maybe it seems unfair but right now I'm better off without you guys in my life. Plus, should you both really be the ones who gets to decide what's fair? I never had a say when I was little but now I'm old enough to make my old decisions. 

I never had a connection with my parents. There was no bonded relationship. Not a single tear fell when my mom would leave for rehab and she left many times. I did feel relief though, that she was finally gone even if it was only for a little bit. Maybe that makes me a bad daughter but I had no sanity when she was around. It's been eight months since I moved out and I've been fine without my parents.

But the thought of losing you guys scares me. And there are tears and overwhelming feelings.

Parents are supposed to be the one set of people that love you no matter what. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that wasn't my parents and I've realized that will never be my parents. They criticize my every step and have questioned me till I wasn't sure what was really right.

But you guys have supported me since day one. From doctors stuff and injections to my interviews and accepting jobs. You've backed me when I wasn't sure if the decision I was making was right. 

I can't imagine you guys not in my life. I know that our nights of us watching tv, me laying on top of your legs and you brushing my hair aren't going to last forever. The nights of me staying in what you guys call my room isn't going to last forever. But there are going to be new moments.

I see you guys there making faces (hopefully not though) at the guy (or guys) I bring home. You guys badgering him -- asking him questions from the "rules list". Even though I don't want a traditional big wedding, I still picture you there with me, helping me get ready.

So maybe things won't always stay how things are right now but I hope you'll always be apart of my life. 

I had a dream the other night. You guys got the kids back and things changed. I'm scared. I know if the situation came up and the kids needed you to take them back in you guys would in a heartbeat. The kids deserve that. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Being loved and feeling safe especially by you guys is one of the best feelings in the world. I would know.

I'm scared because there's this overwhelming feeling that things would change. I felt it at dinner the other night. They were your kids tonight or it felt that way. You asked me if I was okay a couple times, I said yeah and played it off as being tired. Maybe I'm not the best at hiding things or expressions but I think you bought it. It felt like I was sitting in on dinner with a family. I was an outsider looking in.

I've felt like I was your kid for a while now and you're always calling me your adopted daughter but it felt different tonight. It's stupid and silly. They are just little kids. They'd need you more than I would anyway. But I'm attached or maybe it's just that I love you guys I'm not sure. But I felt like I had been pushed to the back. I feel like I'm being totally stupid and ridiculous.

I'm just scared of losing you. Losing the little moments. Losing feeling like I could come to you whenever and about whatever. Losing the big tight hugs. The "I love yous". Because they are little and they would have to come first.

You told me once that you had an abortion and that baby would be my age. That I literally could be your kid. Not too soon after it had kind of felt like I became your kid. But maybe we aren't supposed to have the things we lost out on. Maybe I'm not supposed to be there.

I grew up with a mother who was physically present but not really present emotionally and mentally. She wasn't maternal. Maybe we only get one shot at these experiences. Maybe my time with you is just supposed to be short. Maybe it's just supposed to show me the person and mom I can be. That I can't let my past dictate my future.

It's little moments like these that I am so grateful for having you guys in my life. We spent the day painting, there were lots of laughs and some what the heck facial expressions. It's simple and silly. The other night you tucked me, it was your idea. Might seem silly for a 26 year old to be tucked in but I got a comforting feeling from it. It felt like I was home and that's where I belonged. 

It's in the moments when we are having silly conversations but that we can also have serious ones. I know that with you I don't have to question or think twice when you say "I love you". That in itself is probably what gets me the most. For the first time I feel loved and it doesn't feel forced. 

I spent my whole life striving to be anyone but my mom, in school you were someone I looked upto and I still look upto. I wouldn't mind being like you. 

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.

The World Stopped

Today I got a phone call that changed my world. I thought I was safe. Honestly I did. I never thought I'd hear the words you have a new lesion, let alone five new lesions. I always thought I'd be stable.

I thought my MS specialist was crazy wanting to see new damage on my MRI. My friends and the doctor would say you might never have new damage, you may stay like this forever. I think I started to believe that. I never thought the day would come when I would actually hear that I have new lesions.

Last year I broke down when I learned about the low-lying cerebellar tonsils which correlate with Chiari. I lost it with that news. I couldn't handle the thought of being saddled with two incurable illnesses.

But I really lost it hearing that there have been changes. I remember the doctor going on, talking, explaining things to me. I remember trying to hold it together as I asked, but there have been changes? I was so confused and at first I didn't think I had heard her right. Yes, you have 5 new lesions she told me. I remember her reading the report to me. What stood out was 4 new lesions on the left and 1 new lesion on the right, that is active. I held it in but later I lost it. The tears flowed, I balled. 

I sat in that office so many times. Mri after mri. I've read report after report and I've listened to my doctors read report after report to me. It's always said stable white matter lesions. No evidence of active demyelination. No new white matter lesion. As frustrating as that was to hear, it was the one constant in my life among the ever-changing symptoms I experienced. This time hearing there are 3-4 new lesions noted within the left parietal subcortical white matter. There is a new lesion noted within the right posterior frontal subcortical white matter and posterior parietal subcortical white matter.

I'm trying to find some sort of positive in all of this. Trying to reflect on what is going right especially when it seems like everything is going wrong.

And then I think about all I've overcome in life so far to this point. I'm driving. I think a lot of people doubted that would ever happen. I'm teaching math in a high school resource setting. I'm modeling or at least starting to. I have an "adopted" family who I love and loves me back. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I'm genuinely happy. For a long time, I always thought the core of my happiness lied in getting a diagnosis. Thankfully, I worked out through that. 

But this still has rocked me to the core. I'm not letting it completely destory my life but I am upset. I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I need to get through this I'm just not sure how.

My Firsts, My Adventures, My Future

Do I let go and move on? I've been trying but I'm not sure I really want to let go. Deep down I think I know I should. I fear that I might fall in love with someone else and then you'll be single. Our chance once again will be lost. Maybe then is it really meant to be? I'm not saying that I'm in love with you but I like you and care about you.

Maybe it's a comfort thing but I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I've never felt this way about anyone else. I've never connected like this with anyone else. But I also know my chance may have been lost.

I can't guarentee that a relationship would work out between us. But I'd try, I'd give you what you deserve and from where I stand you deserve the world. I may not be able to give you the whole world but I'd try. I know I wasn't ready before. I wasn't ready to open myself up to you but I am now. It didn't make sense how someone could want to be with me but you didn't know my past. From what I see now you just wanted to be a part of my future. Things make more sense now.

Right now, if I had the choice I want my firsts to be with you. I want to my adventures to be with you. I want my future to be with you. Could I be happy with someone else? Probably. But right now you're who I think of, you're who I want to be happy with.

But sometimes we don't always get what we want. So if my firsts, my adventures, my future, and my happiness can't be with you; I'll understand. Eventually I'll be able to let myself move on, I'll try not to hold myself back from finding love.