I'm absolutely hating my life. I feel so sick, this is getting so old. I called MS-lifelines and talked to a nurse about it. She said that right now is the worst and hardest time that I will ever go through and that it will probably last for a little while because it's just starting. I'm thinking just great. So this has the possibility to continue for a while. She said being active helps. I'm not sure how more active I can be. I'm tired and achy. I really just want to feel okay and I really want to be able to get my homework done.

I seem to wonder a lot why this is happening to me. I wish so bad that I didn't have MS. But I'm beginning to think that your life is written from the beginning and there's no changing it. So this must be my destiny. It's still frustrating, I can try to be as positive as I can but at the end of the day this still really sucks.

I hate that I have days where I just don't seem to care anymore. I used to be so driven, so inspired heading toward this goal that seemed to have endless possibilities. That goal being my future. But now I'm taking things day by day. I'm just trying to survive the day to make it to the next. Things don't seem so inspiring anymore. I used to want to do my homework. It's just so frustrating to look back and think about how I used to be and how much I used to care. But now I just feel sick all the time and I don't have the energy to do anything.

I hate that I have days where I feel absolutely fine and then the next I feel like completely horrible. It's like my body is playing a trick on me. It's even harder not being able to do anything about it. Because there's not much I can take to make my body feel okay.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. Sometimes I wonder, where everything went so wrong. I always did everything I was told, I followed the rules made by my parents and my teachers. I did my homework, I studied, I did volunteer work. I just don't understand this is so unfair.

I'm trying so hard to be okay with my diagnosis but I really can't. I tried so hard to be okay with the injections but I can't. Pushing the button to give myself the injection just gets harder and harder each time. This is not fair. Sometimes I wonder if not knowing maybe easier, somewhat less painful. But somehow I'm not sure it would.

So I made this blog post at the beginning of the summer. It's now September. I can honestly say that the only thing I have accomplished on this very short list was reading as many books as I can. I haven't tallied up all the books I read but it was at least 25. I'm disappointed that I was unable to complete more of these things.

So I decided I wanted to do something a little different. At the start of each New Year, people makes lists of resolutions and goals for themselves that never get completed. Okay so maybe not never but most of the list will not be completed, they will start off doing one or two things and then it will be forgotten.

I decided I wanted to have some goals for the Summer but nothing crazy of course. Here they are:

1. Have as much fun with my aunts as I can
2. Read as many books as I can
3. Try something new
4. Try to update my stories more on Fanfiction

That's all I can think of for now, may be I'll add some more later.

So true. Life with injectable medication.

Dear Body,

If you would let me feel good during the week, I would be totally fine with you making me feel crappy on the weekends. I just really need to concentrate and be able to do my school work.

Thanks

How do you tell your child who was just diagnosed with an illness that she will have for the rest of her life to deal with it herself? How do you tell her to grow up and start taking responsibility for her life? Especially when she already has, about five years ago when this first began. Better yet how do you explain getting mad about where she has her training done for the injection because you want to me there to learn how to do the injection. Only you just end up sitting back, not even trying and deciding that you could never do that. I get that you are scared, but your twenty-one year old daughter is now injecting herself three times a week. After all that how do you expect to be involved but only when it is convenient for you? These are the unspoken yet written questions that float through my mind.

Do you ever feel like you are living a lie? Like your life has become a lie? That's how I am feeling. It's like suddenly everything has changed and I'm hiding everything that has to do with my health. It sucks. I have MS...it's not like I'm dying. But what I want to do on certain nights (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) seems to revolve around a little injection called Rebif. Hopefully, it will do it's job and slow down the progress of my MS. So this lie I'm living will be worth it. Because no one but myself, my parents, my two aunts, my doctors, and a few close friends know about the MS and the injections. Sometimes I wish this could be out in the open but then I realize it's probably a lot better that it is hidden away in a dark corner.

So everyone has that one outfit that they feel confident and comfortable in. Well this is mine. It just something simple, skinny jeans and a grey tank with a leopard one thrown over it. I don't know why but I'm comfortable in this, no clue why. But I feel good in this.