How do you tell your child who was just diagnosed with an illness that she will have for the rest of her life to deal with it herself? How do you tell her to grow up and start taking responsibility for her life? Especially when she already has, about five years ago when this first began. Better yet how do you explain getting mad about where she has her training done for the injection because you want to me there to learn how to do the injection. Only you just end up sitting back, not even trying and deciding that you could never do that. I get that you are scared, but your twenty-one year old daughter is now injecting herself three times a week. After all that how do you expect to be involved but only when it is convenient for you? These are the unspoken yet written questions that float through my mind.

Do you ever feel like you are living a lie? Like your life has become a lie? That's how I am feeling. It's like suddenly everything has changed and I'm hiding everything that has to do with my health. It sucks. I have MS...it's not like I'm dying. But what I want to do on certain nights (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) seems to revolve around a little injection called Rebif. Hopefully, it will do it's job and slow down the progress of my MS. So this lie I'm living will be worth it. Because no one but myself, my parents, my two aunts, my doctors, and a few close friends know about the MS and the injections. Sometimes I wish this could be out in the open but then I realize it's probably a lot better that it is hidden away in a dark corner.

So everyone has that one outfit that they feel confident and comfortable in. Well this is mine. It just something simple, skinny jeans and a grey tank with a leopard one thrown over it. I don't know why but I'm comfortable in this, no clue why. But I feel good in this.

Today is another doctor's appointment. I feel like my whole summer has been doctor's appointments. It's just one after another. I feel like this may never end. I'm sick of all the different doctors and appointment. I'm sick of not feeling like myself. Not being able to form sentences forgetting words. My head feels like it's just in one big fog. Nothing feels clear anymore, I want my life back.

So it's not that things weren't real before...it's just that they have become more real. I just want to disappear...I don't want to deal with this. Is that selfish? Cause I'm not sure anymore...I'm not sure of anything.

All I keep thinking is why me? I can't handle all of this right now. I'm so tired of being strong and holding it all together. I'm tired of doing it all on my own. I know people say you have to be independent, don't rely on your parents. But I'm getting no support at all. I've finally found a doctor, I'm just really hoping this all works out. I need this all to work out. I can't do this again, I just can't.

Hi Wendy,

I'm just so done trying. I never asked for their help, I don't want it. Especially if they are going to make me feel bad about it. So I'm taking care of everything, I'm "taking responsibility for my life" since my mom says I'm immature and irresponsible. I can't stand it, she makes me feel so bad about myself. I am responsible, I take care of everything doctor's appointments, finding doctor's appointments, taking care of my medication.

I had to come home yesterday because I have an appointment with a neuropsychologist. I can't wait to go back to my aunt's house. Coming home is always the hardest part. I thought maybe, just maybe they would go easier on me since my diagnosis but I was wrong. It's not that I want special treatment or anything, it's just hard sometimes. Not that it hasn't always been hard. It's just that I'm more emotional about stuff. I'm doing it all on my own, I kind of wish they were there to help but at the same time I don't. I don't want to depend on them for anything. So as much as I think it may be nice to have their support, I don't want their criticism.

I had my appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday and now I'm looking for a new one. I can't handle this all on my own. I'm trying to do this alone but it's so hard. Trying to find certain specialists that take my insurance is so much harder than I thought it would be. I ask my parents questions about my insurance but my mom just gets frustrated with me and yells. I can't help it if I don't know something and need to. Honestly, I'm only 21 years old and I don't want to be dealing with this stuff. I want a normal life, I want to go out and go clubbing or something. I want to be making phone calls to anywhere but doctor's offices to see if they take my insurance and cover neurological testing. I want to be doing anything but this. I can't handle it on my own. I broke down today, it's just too much.

I hate crying because it always makes me feel weak but maybe I need this. Maybe I just need a really good cry. I just don't know anymore and I'm not sure I care.

I wish so bad that I could just push these feelings aside. That I could pretend like nothing is wrong but i cant keep doing it. I cant keep pretending, its time to face reality. I just don't know if I can hold this all together anymore.

Thanks for listening again you always do.

Jess