Back to the Basics

I just want to go back. Back to the time where I was all smiles. The time where I was constantly worrying about my health or if something else was going to go wrong. The time where I was healthy and people weren't constantly asking me if I was feeling okay. I just want to go back. Back to when I actually cared. Just bring me back..

I'm sorry you got stuck with a daughter as screwed up as me. I'm sorry that no matter what I do, nothing I do is right. I'm sorry I can't be the picture perfect person that you want be to be. I'm sorry you got stuck with me.

Just Another Dead End..

What do when you meet someone that's off limits?  Even though he seems like he could be so perfect for you. He loves math, he's studying to be a math teacher just like you. He love country music. He'd move to Tennessee in a heart beat. He's more than what meets the eye. He has a sense of humor but it's not over board. He can make you laugh or smile without even trying. He gives you hope that there might be someone out there for you and he might just be it. He makes you want to try. He interests you in more ways than one. He makes you want to find out more. You find yourself smiling at the mention of his name.  But you push him to the back of your mind because your best friend saw him first. And even though they don't seem to have a lot in common, you're not going to cross that line. So you push away the possibility of more than a friendship with a guy that could probably make you more happy than you've ever been. Better luck next time?

That feeling of knowing that no matter when you do he's still not going to want you like you want him. Those feelings that you have for him, that you try to keep buried deep down, come out when you see him. It's even worse when you see him and his arm is around her and you see the look in his eye that he has for her. You know he is never going to look at you like that. But would give anything for him to look at you like that just once.

I can't even say I love you because we've never dated, but this feeling I have for you is so strong. I can't help it. As much as I try to ignore it and move on, it just gets worse. I want to forget you but something pulls at me. Because forgetting you means letting you go, I want to let you go but at the same time I want you so bad my insides hurt. How is it possible for one single individual to have this effect on me? How is it that I feel so much for you and you feel nothing for me? Why can't I just let you go?

Always There..

Today I realized how great it is just to know that people care about you. I had a homework assignment in one of my classes. To interview a woman in my life who I admire. I chose a teacher I had my sophomore year of high school, almost five years ago. She was there for me a lot that year I had her and she continues to be there. As I sat there beside her in the classroom explaining to her why I chose her, I knew that this meant just as much to her as it did to me. So we continued the interview with lots of laughs and having a good time. As the interview drew to a close we were walking out together, I thanked her for agreeing to do the interview with me and told her that I really appreciated it. She told me how flattered she was that I thought of her and had chosen her for the interview.  Before we parted ways, I told her how much I appreciated her always having been there for me even when she really didn't have to be and how much that meant to me. She told me, never to hesitant that no matter what she would always be there for me, whether school related stuff or something else. To just email or stop by if I ever needed anything, that she would always be there. Today, was a really good day. It's just good to know that there is someone there that really cares and good to let that person know how much of an impact they have made in your life and that you really appreciate them. So thank you for always be there for me, I know I have told you many times how much it means that you have been there for me, encouraging and supporting me for so many years. It really does mean a lot to me that you are there and I am so happy to have you in my life.

It's starting to sink in that no matter what I do to change and be what my parents what it's never going to happen. They have this perfect image of my brother stuck in their heads, that's what I should be. I should be living up to what my brother is, my younger brother. Because he is perfect. He changes his mind after putting a nonrefundable deposit down at school, wasting money traveling to the college he was supposed to go to and they think it's the greatest idea. Because no matter he does or how bad he messes up he's perfect and I will always be compared to that. Oh and apparently since I sit at desk for part of the time I'm at work; I don't work. Yeah, I find that hilarious. I work my butt off at work but apparently that's not good enough because my brother is on his feet all day in a hot store. Seriously, give me a break; you're going to say I don't work because I have a desk job. I'm so sick of this shit. Of being compared to someone, why can't I just be good enough?

I'm just sick of everything. In June, I got results from an MRI; it said there was a possibility I had cancer. I found a few weeks ago that thank god I don't (I have no go for further testing they think something might be wrong with the way my liver or gallbladder is working). I don't think anyone should have to go through it and I have so much respect for those that do. I don't think respect is the right word but I can't think of another one. Anyway, it got so bad that I kind of hoped that I had cancer (before I found out that I didn't) because of the things my mom would complain at me for doing; like she accused me of lying and didn't even ask my side of the story. Her and my dad also went as far to tell my grandparents that I don't return their calls, I'm disrespectful, I have no responsibilities, and that I don't want to come home on weekends to hang out with them. (I work with my aunt in the summer--so it makes sense to live/commute with her because my car transmission went and I'm saving money for that.)

No I don't want to come home for the weekend, who wants to go home to get yelled at for nothing. I would feel sick to my stomach just knowing how could you think that, how could you kind of want cancer; are things really that bad? I feel horrible for thinking about it especially because so many people are touched by cancer and no one asks for it.

I just want to be out of this house, they don't realize how bad they are pushing me away. 

Ten Things About Me...

10. I love the way a simple white tank top or t-shirt looks with dark denim jeans, it's one of my favorite outfits.

9. I find the sound of water whether from a fountain, water fall, or a sink to be so soothing. The way it just meets going from top to bottom, I don't know there's just something about it that's comforting.

8. At the end of the day all I am looking for is someone to love me and all my flaws, someone that wants me for me and isn't looking to change me.

7. I could swim all day for hours underwater, I love the feel of water on my skin and just swimming around the bottom of a pool with no cares. It's little moments like this that I love and live for.

6. I like being spontaneous, there's something that's so freeing and fun about just picking up and going somewhere without planning again. Sudden trips are the best.

5. I think kids are amazing, they see everything so different and have a clean untouched perspective on everything; it's nice. They make everything seem magical and everything no matter how small turns into something big and exciting. The rush of excitement you get from them after you've helped them do something they have been trying to do, is the most amazing feeling in the world.

4. I'm a planner, I like agendas and lists. Colorcoding and organizing. It keeps me sane.

3. My aunts are like my best friends, they are always there for me and I know when I'm with them it's always going to be fun. I know at the end of the day my stomach will hurt from laughing so much.

2. I think my heart will forever be split in two, one part will always belong in the country and the other in the city. It's funny how different my likes are. I love late nights on the front porch rocking just looking out at the lay of the land, the quietness,the lightening bugs. It's like nothing matters except the moment you are in. But I love the fast pace and loudness of the city, the honking horns, people screaming, the history it's amazing. Every time I'm there I find something else I love about it.

1. I'm different from most girls, I give love way to easily, I'm selfless, I have a passion for teaching. I can't be replaced because there's never going to be another girl quite like me.