Always There..

Today I realized how great it is just to know that people care about you. I had a homework assignment in one of my classes. To interview a woman in my life who I admire. I chose a teacher I had my sophomore year of high school, almost five years ago. She was there for me a lot that year I had her and she continues to be there. As I sat there beside her in the classroom explaining to her why I chose her, I knew that this meant just as much to her as it did to me. So we continued the interview with lots of laughs and having a good time. As the interview drew to a close we were walking out together, I thanked her for agreeing to do the interview with me and told her that I really appreciated it. She told me how flattered she was that I thought of her and had chosen her for the interview.  Before we parted ways, I told her how much I appreciated her always having been there for me even when she really didn't have to be and how much that meant to me. She told me, never to hesitant that no matter what she would always be there for me, whether school related stuff or something else. To just email or stop by if I ever needed anything, that she would always be there. Today, was a really good day. It's just good to know that there is someone there that really cares and good to let that person know how much of an impact they have made in your life and that you really appreciate them. So thank you for always be there for me, I know I have told you many times how much it means that you have been there for me, encouraging and supporting me for so many years. It really does mean a lot to me that you are there and I am so happy to have you in my life.

It's starting to sink in that no matter what I do to change and be what my parents what it's never going to happen. They have this perfect image of my brother stuck in their heads, that's what I should be. I should be living up to what my brother is, my younger brother. Because he is perfect. He changes his mind after putting a nonrefundable deposit down at school, wasting money traveling to the college he was supposed to go to and they think it's the greatest idea. Because no matter he does or how bad he messes up he's perfect and I will always be compared to that. Oh and apparently since I sit at desk for part of the time I'm at work; I don't work. Yeah, I find that hilarious. I work my butt off at work but apparently that's not good enough because my brother is on his feet all day in a hot store. Seriously, give me a break; you're going to say I don't work because I have a desk job. I'm so sick of this shit. Of being compared to someone, why can't I just be good enough?

I'm just sick of everything. In June, I got results from an MRI; it said there was a possibility I had cancer. I found a few weeks ago that thank god I don't (I have no go for further testing they think something might be wrong with the way my liver or gallbladder is working). I don't think anyone should have to go through it and I have so much respect for those that do. I don't think respect is the right word but I can't think of another one. Anyway, it got so bad that I kind of hoped that I had cancer (before I found out that I didn't) because of the things my mom would complain at me for doing; like she accused me of lying and didn't even ask my side of the story. Her and my dad also went as far to tell my grandparents that I don't return their calls, I'm disrespectful, I have no responsibilities, and that I don't want to come home on weekends to hang out with them. (I work with my aunt in the summer--so it makes sense to live/commute with her because my car transmission went and I'm saving money for that.)

No I don't want to come home for the weekend, who wants to go home to get yelled at for nothing. I would feel sick to my stomach just knowing how could you think that, how could you kind of want cancer; are things really that bad? I feel horrible for thinking about it especially because so many people are touched by cancer and no one asks for it.

I just want to be out of this house, they don't realize how bad they are pushing me away. 

Ten Things About Me...

10. I love the way a simple white tank top or t-shirt looks with dark denim jeans, it's one of my favorite outfits.

9. I find the sound of water whether from a fountain, water fall, or a sink to be so soothing. The way it just meets going from top to bottom, I don't know there's just something about it that's comforting.

8. At the end of the day all I am looking for is someone to love me and all my flaws, someone that wants me for me and isn't looking to change me.

7. I could swim all day for hours underwater, I love the feel of water on my skin and just swimming around the bottom of a pool with no cares. It's little moments like this that I love and live for.

6. I like being spontaneous, there's something that's so freeing and fun about just picking up and going somewhere without planning again. Sudden trips are the best.

5. I think kids are amazing, they see everything so different and have a clean untouched perspective on everything; it's nice. They make everything seem magical and everything no matter how small turns into something big and exciting. The rush of excitement you get from them after you've helped them do something they have been trying to do, is the most amazing feeling in the world.

4. I'm a planner, I like agendas and lists. Colorcoding and organizing. It keeps me sane.

3. My aunts are like my best friends, they are always there for me and I know when I'm with them it's always going to be fun. I know at the end of the day my stomach will hurt from laughing so much.

2. I think my heart will forever be split in two, one part will always belong in the country and the other in the city. It's funny how different my likes are. I love late nights on the front porch rocking just looking out at the lay of the land, the quietness,the lightening bugs. It's like nothing matters except the moment you are in. But I love the fast pace and loudness of the city, the honking horns, people screaming, the history it's amazing. Every time I'm there I find something else I love about it.

1. I'm different from most girls, I give love way to easily, I'm selfless, I have a passion for teaching. I can't be replaced because there's never going to be another girl quite like me.

Moments..

A moment can change anything. A moment changed my life for two years. It was a moment that last only a mere few seconds, but those few seconds of that moment change my life for a long two years. The moment I realized I had to let the chains going between us was the slowest moment of my life. It was all for the best, because that means I can move on and that I’m maturing. That I can let go of the feelings I felt for you only a short time ago but still be your best friend. Things like this happen only in a moment. Moments are important, some many never be replaced. They can change your life for better or for worse. Moments are the pieces that build lives and bring them together. What would we be with moments.

It little moments like that, that only last a few seconds we don’t think that much of until they’ve become something bigger then we are able to handle. We take for grant little moments and actions, we think nothing of them. Until they have made this huge difference in life that we are not ready for. We aren’t prepared for it. It’s those little moments and action that we think nothing of that mean the most, that have the most reaction. Those moments and actions are the most important but we pay the least action to. It’s the anger, you saw in a friend but didn’t think twice about because it didn’t seem so bad. It must seem bad after he threatened you and won’t leave you alone… It must be bad enough that you threaten to go to the cops if he doesn’t leave you alone. If only you had saw that little bit of anger in that first moment, it wouldn’t have become what it is today. But I guess everything can’t be controlled. We don’t have that kind of power but it also would be horrible to pay attention to every little detail. What kind of life would that be going around trying to pay attention to every little miniscule thing that happens. You would not be living life. So I guess we’ll just go on forgetting these little moments until they become something more. Maybe that’s whats supposed to happen…. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be prevented. I mean something good might come from one. And wouldn’t it be horrible to miss that.

Give it up

I'M NOT PERFECT, end of story. And I know in your eyes I will never ever be perfect. I'm so sick of hearing all the things you have to say about to me other people behind my back. How I don't return calls, or have no responsibility, or I have an attitude. None of which is true; I know because people tell me. The sad thing is I try so hard to live up to the expectation you have of me but I can't. And I know I will never live up to be as amazing as your son, because in your eyes he can do no wrong. But me every choice I made, every word I say, is never right and somehow always wrong. You need to give up the dream or the perfect image you have of me because I'm never going to be that. I just can't stand that you make everyone think I'm this horrible person that I'm not. I'm different, I just want to find me not this person you want me to be. It's time for you to give up and learn to live with who I want to be. You need to stop putting so much pressure on me because soon enough I'm going to snap and I won't be the person I am right now.

A thousand thoughts running through my head. I can't keep them straight. Sometimes it's so hard to think and keep my thoughts straight. What do I do, what do I say. I wish my life could be like a painting. I could scrap the board and start all over again. Like an artist does when their painting goes all wrong. Or another option, I could choose would be to fix the piece that is broken or make something good out of what is so royally messed up. That's something else an artist does, their piece of work may turn out to be something they never would have pictured. But do I really want my life to end up being this big surprise?

How Do You Begin..

I want a relationship so bad. I want what my friends have. I want that special someone to talk to, to call when something exciting happens or just something in general. I want that guy in my life that I can ask how his day went and he can ask me. I want that person to cuddle with during a movie or go off and do something spontaneous with. But how do you start something knowing there's a chance you could be sick. That's what is holding me back. How can I consciously begin something when I know there's a chance. It may not be a big one, but there's still a chance. I don't want this to me happening, so how can I drag someone else into the equation? The answer is simple, I can't. So I tuck away the thoughts of a relationship and save them for another time. A time that I hope is closer rather than far off in the future. Because I want a chance at happiness.