Moments..

A moment can change anything. A moment changed my life for two years. It was a moment that last only a mere few seconds, but those few seconds of that moment change my life for a long two years. The moment I realized I had to let the chains going between us was the slowest moment of my life. It was all for the best, because that means I can move on and that I’m maturing. That I can let go of the feelings I felt for you only a short time ago but still be your best friend. Things like this happen only in a moment. Moments are important, some many never be replaced. They can change your life for better or for worse. Moments are the pieces that build lives and bring them together. What would we be with moments.

It little moments like that, that only last a few seconds we don’t think that much of until they’ve become something bigger then we are able to handle. We take for grant little moments and actions, we think nothing of them. Until they have made this huge difference in life that we are not ready for. We aren’t prepared for it. It’s those little moments and action that we think nothing of that mean the most, that have the most reaction. Those moments and actions are the most important but we pay the least action to. It’s the anger, you saw in a friend but didn’t think twice about because it didn’t seem so bad. It must seem bad after he threatened you and won’t leave you alone… It must be bad enough that you threaten to go to the cops if he doesn’t leave you alone. If only you had saw that little bit of anger in that first moment, it wouldn’t have become what it is today. But I guess everything can’t be controlled. We don’t have that kind of power but it also would be horrible to pay attention to every little detail. What kind of life would that be going around trying to pay attention to every little miniscule thing that happens. You would not be living life. So I guess we’ll just go on forgetting these little moments until they become something more. Maybe that’s whats supposed to happen…. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be prevented. I mean something good might come from one. And wouldn’t it be horrible to miss that.

Give it up

I'M NOT PERFECT, end of story. And I know in your eyes I will never ever be perfect. I'm so sick of hearing all the things you have to say about to me other people behind my back. How I don't return calls, or have no responsibility, or I have an attitude. None of which is true; I know because people tell me. The sad thing is I try so hard to live up to the expectation you have of me but I can't. And I know I will never live up to be as amazing as your son, because in your eyes he can do no wrong. But me every choice I made, every word I say, is never right and somehow always wrong. You need to give up the dream or the perfect image you have of me because I'm never going to be that. I just can't stand that you make everyone think I'm this horrible person that I'm not. I'm different, I just want to find me not this person you want me to be. It's time for you to give up and learn to live with who I want to be. You need to stop putting so much pressure on me because soon enough I'm going to snap and I won't be the person I am right now.

A thousand thoughts running through my head. I can't keep them straight. Sometimes it's so hard to think and keep my thoughts straight. What do I do, what do I say. I wish my life could be like a painting. I could scrap the board and start all over again. Like an artist does when their painting goes all wrong. Or another option, I could choose would be to fix the piece that is broken or make something good out of what is so royally messed up. That's something else an artist does, their piece of work may turn out to be something they never would have pictured. But do I really want my life to end up being this big surprise?

How Do You Begin..

I want a relationship so bad. I want what my friends have. I want that special someone to talk to, to call when something exciting happens or just something in general. I want that guy in my life that I can ask how his day went and he can ask me. I want that person to cuddle with during a movie or go off and do something spontaneous with. But how do you start something knowing there's a chance you could be sick. That's what is holding me back. How can I consciously begin something when I know there's a chance. It may not be a big one, but there's still a chance. I don't want this to me happening, so how can I drag someone else into the equation? The answer is simple, I can't. So I tuck away the thoughts of a relationship and save them for another time. A time that I hope is closer rather than far off in the future. Because I want a chance at happiness.

There's No Rewriting the Past, Just Changing the Future..

How do you let go of the past when you're so sure it should be apart of your future. How do you just move on and let something go. After a year of no communication, the lines are broken and the talking begins. How do you know it's the right thing? Is it just because that's what we want? So many questions, yet so few answers. Did I take the right step or should there still be no communication? Am I just digging myself back into the hole that I had already filled? How do you know, how does anyone in that matter know? All I know is I missed you. I was doing fine until someone mentioned your name. Why did I do this? I'm only opening myself back up for hurt and let down. Why can't I just move on because I do want to. So bad it hurts. I just wish I could commit to it. Why can't I let you go? I need to move on start fresh but I can't if you keep reappearing and I am certainly not helping the situation at all. Why do I put myself through this? Why can I just leave the past behind? It's already written it can't be changed but the future can. And deciding not to make you apart of my future, would have been the right road. So why did I choose the wrong one, and let you back into my future? Specially when you clearly belonged in my past.

Wishing For a Normal Life..

So after long days of thinking I'm falling behind in the boyfriend or child department, I'm beginning to think how I'm missing out on life in general. And people are always telling me this like I don't know but I do. I know about all the fun and parties I'm missing. The truth is half the time it doesn't seem to bother me. Then other times it does and I just want to be a normal twenty year old. But somehow I don't believe that will ever happen. It's a nice wish but only that. A wish left unanswered. Just a wish.

Things that Stuck

Childhood nicknames. The rules that your grandparents set for you while you were visiting their house. Those silly little rules that parents and other adults give you to keep you safe. Things like not swimming for an hour after you eat, no running on concrete, wearing shoes on the wooden deck so you don't get splinters. It's silly little rules that stick and the things that never change. I found myself at my grandparent house for a barbecue recently. I had my cousins two little girls with me. I saw myself repeating the same little rules with them that adults had used in my life when I was little. Those little rules that I found so annoying, but they were just for my own good. As I had the girls inside to get them changed for the pool, I looked around the house. The same house that as a child seemed so big and magical to me now seemed to normal. It was just another house. But maybe it was the safety of the house. It was and is a safe place. Maybe that's all we are really looking for safety and reassurance. Because behind the things that stuck in life, is really just a sense of safety and reassurance. Maybe that's all everyone is looking for, just a little of it.