Water over Blood

People say that "blood is thicker than water" when referring to family and friends. But I wonder what makes blood better because in my case it isn't.

I've been thinking about the little things lately, the little things I've never had when it comes to the blood. Its the little things people take for granted. I have some of those things now and I'm a little scared to get used to them for the fear that they may disappear is strong. The support, hugs, and laughter. Sharing important moments with someone else.

Having a  safe place and person to run to when things get tough. The tight reassuring everything is going to be okay hugs. Never having to question whether I'm in inconvenience. Although I do slip frequently because I grew up as an inconvenience and it's hard to outgrow the thought that maybe not everyone views you that way. That some people actually want to be there for you, no strings attached.

I used to try to hide my fears and be a picture perfect person but perfection is over rated and my fears let me know I'm human. Isn't everyone? I have to say it's a lot more fun being imperfect than perfect. Mistakes give me room to grow and I know now I don't have to get everything right the first time around.

I'd take water over blood anyday, my friends who have become my family. The friends that love me unconditionally, no matter what choices I make. The friends I give my trust to and who have my trust in return.

Thank you for letting me be myself. For loving all of me including my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.

Perfection doesn't exist

She wants perfection, the picture perfect daughter. She always has. There's no such thing as perfection, I'm far from it. But now I think reality maybe sinking in for her even if it's just a little. The reality that in a few short weeks I'm going to be gone. She's lost her chance to be my mom in its fullest capacity.

It was a chance that I had given up on long ago. Yes it would have been nice to have the mother daughter relationship that I've read about in books, watched in movies, and the kind I've written about. That ship has long since sailed away, out into the deep blue yaunder.

I can tell she is maybe starting to feel bad that she is losing me or her chance I can't tell which. She's trying to buy my love but if she knew me she'd know that I can't be bought.

Thank you

As I reflected on my life and what I didn't have, I realized how truly grateful I am for what I do have and the people in my life who do care.

Thank you to the woman who lets me talk to her about my bad interviews and awkward dates. Who lets me share my fears and tells me when I really have nothing to worry about but listens to my worries anyway. The woman who tries anything to distract me when I come to her scared about something.

The one who I can text when I'm upset, who will let me come over if she's home and will give me the biggest squeeze me to death hugs. The one who has been laughing with me lately. The one I can just be silly with. The one who will just sit with me even if I'm not saying much of anything (which is totally the case sometimes).

For teaching me how to curl my hair. For taking the time to teach me stuff in general no matter what it may be. For introducing me to new experiences. For reassuring me that it's okay to cry and to feel my feelings. For believing in me and teaching me to believe and have confidence in myself. For being proud of me and telling me so.

For showing me that I am capable of doing more than I think I am. For comforting me when I go to her upset and celebrating with me when I go to her with good news. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust and showing me that it is possibly to trust. Thank you for being always being a role model, giving me someone to look up to as an example of what I wanted to be like. Thank you for being a friend. I know you're not my mom but thank you for being a mom like figure in my life for doing things a mom may do. Most of all thank you for just being there.

"I want a Mom"

"A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend." That's a quote I've see a lot. I don't have that mother. There were no tea parties, lunch dates, or mani/pedi days. No fun shopping trips, sharing secrets or laughter. She never painted my nails or went dress shopping for prom, school dances or graduation. No meaningful heart to heart talks about the new guy in my life, school, my health or my life in general.

She wasn't there when I got my period for the first time. Well technically she was but when I called for her she asked is it really important I knew in that moment, I wasn't that important. She wasn't there for what most people would consider big life moments. She didn't teach me about makeup, shaving or waxing/cleaning up my eyebrows.

I didn't  run to her when I was sick and scared of all the doctor's  appointments. There were no big, tight comforting "it'll be okay" hugs. I don't remember any "I love yous" or cuddling up on the couch when I was little. No just because movie days or teaching me how to cook or bake. 

For all intents and purposes I have a biological mother but I don't have a mom. At least it doesn't feel like it. In the past I've felt bad and even guilty for thinking and feeling this but this is how I feel I can't really change it. She couldn't and can't be what I need, she just isn't capable and I'm realizing that.

Coming to terms with that realization, I know it won't be my biological mother filling in these moments. Even still, I need and want a mom.  Someone who will give me one of those super tight squeeze you to death hugs when I'm upset or just because. Someone to confide in about my excitement and worries before a date. Someone who will give me advice on what to wear on said date and if what I picked out looks okay. Someone who will then sit and listen to the details of the date and tell me it's okay if he doesn't call that just means it wasn't meant to be. A mom who I can just sit with and talk to, who doesn't make it seem like being there with me is an inconvenience. 

A mom just to share time doing activities with, even if they are chores like prepping dinner or a new do it yourself project. Someone to tell me I'm being silly and overthinking a situation. Who will help guide me in the right direction but not get mad if I only take half of her guidance. Someone who is going to tell me she's proud of me, even when I make mistakes.

A mom who is going to tell me about her life experiences but isn't afraid to let me go and make my own mistakes even if they are the same ones she made. Someone to learn from, to laugh with and cry with. I want the bond. I want to feel loved, connected, wanted.

Goodbye Guilt, see you later.

My best friend and sister got married a little over a week ago. The drive home from Maryland the morning after the wedding was probably one of the hardest drives I've ever had. I cries the whole three and a half hours home, and I do mean the whole three and a half hours. We'll minus the put stop for gas I willed away the tears so the gas station attendant didn't think I was crazy.

The whole ride how all I could think as I cried was "I want a mom, I feel like I don't have a mom." Looking back and reflecting I'm noticing how much those words mean. I want A mom, I wasn't crying for the mother I have (she's my mother biologically but in all other aspects she's not my mom). I was crying for a mom, another mother.

I missed out on so much growing up. Painting nails, mother daughter dates, dress shopping for school dances, prom and graduation, cooking in the kitchen together, just learning from her. Its the little life moments that seemed silly at the time but they are really everything. Those moments are everything in life and I have nothing.

I've had the chance to experience some of these things with other women in my life and I've felt guilty about it. Guilty that I've had the chance to experience things without my mother. But these are the things I need and she couldn't give them to me. So now I've been blessed with the chance to experience these moments with other women in my life. I'm done feeling guilty.

I put living my life on hold for so many years, for so many reasons and at times I didn't even realize I was doing so.

When I was younger I lived my life to try to please my parents, to try to earn their love. I did the things they wanted me to do. I thought some how that this would finally make them happy and then they'd love me.

When I got sick at 16 I put my life on hold again. I didn't go to parties, go out with friends much or date. I pushed guys away because I didn't think a guy could love a girl like me.

One of my biggest fears in dating has been that the guy I end up ultimately falling for won't be able to handle all my baggage. In talking with my therapist about dating and when to tell someone you're seeing that you're sick she brought up such a good point. I'm seeing things in a slightly different, clearer and better perspective.

I have this emotional tie to my baggage (which consists mostly of my health issues in relation to my fear of dating) but it's my emotional tie. I have this movie reel playing in my head everytime I think about having to tell a guy about my health. But the guy that I eventually end up trusting enough to let in won't see the movie reel, he won't feel the emotions I feel as I watch every scene. He won't feel the pain, he only knows what I tell him.

I've always thought my health issues would be enough to make a guy run away. got Only they won't, they are only making me want to run away.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.